Essentially, college football season ended last night, save for all of the "bowl" games that will be played throughout the course of the next thirty days or so, with game times starting during hours and on days that only an "occupy" protester would have a relaxed enough work schedule to watch them. What this means, (at least to me), is that now many of us "rabid" football fans will likely need to find some other way of occupying ourselves on Saturday afternoons and evenings, and it may not be easy! Luckily, I'm here to help you renegotiate contact with your spouse and close family members by using a studious plan that I'll be making up as I go, as long as the tomato juice holds out! The first thing you need to do, (as part of your recovery), is to shut the television off and put down the remote. This will likely take a few "practice" tries, and in some extreme cases, your wife may have to stage an "intervention", wherein she wears a sexy "teddy", or sexy undergarments purchased at a "Victoria's Secret", while attempting to get you to think about something besides "football", which I find ironic, on account of when they "get their way", they actually ENCOURAGE you to think about "football" during crucial moments of the session so it will last longer. In any case, interventions like these can be very dangerous, producing a "shock" effect that could possibly drive the SERIOUS football fan into the heavy use of illicit drugs, and in my always "self-sacrificing" practices, I would suggest that wives who are planning to use this method e-mail a picture of themselves in the outfit they plan to use to me first, along with a brief history of your "likes" and "dislikes", your phone number, and address. That way, I can get a better idea if YOUR intervention will work or not.
If having a sexy wife running around the house in flimsy undergarments isn't enough to help you get over your football addiction, you should try spending some "quality time" with your children or grandchildren. If you don't have any children or grandchildren, you should probably rent some, or at least get a good "household" pet, such as a dog or gerbil, either of which can provide literally hours of entertainment, while at the same time giving you a good excuse to spend most of your leftover money on cleaning supplies!
Another good way to get over your football "blues" is to go "hunting", which is a sport that's usually played outdoors, involving dressing up in bright orange clothing reminiscent of a radioactive traffic cone and tromping around through underbrush with a young child and a dog in temperatures well below freezing! I like hunting! It gives me the chance to forget about all of the hassles of daily life at work, and concentrate solely on the opportunities I have at the moment, which is to get shot in the face by a grandchild and then eaten by a dog. Still, hunting is a very "relaxing" sport. At least if you're "careful". A LOT of "hunters" are also heavy beer drinkers who show little concern for the regulations that our wildlife personnel lay in place for us! I always keep a sharp eye out for those types!
If by chance neither sex nor hunting can cure you of the loneliness of college football season being over, you STILL have "ice-fishing", which is a sport that has gained much popularity over the past few years here in Kansas! The best way I know to ice fish, is to go out onto a frozen pond in bitter cold conditions with a good friend such as Gene Jones, who not only owns an "ice auger", but also has caught nearly seventeen zillion tons of fish just yesterday, at the exact same spot where he told you to drill a hole in the ice today, even though they don't appear to be "biting" any more! Ice fishing is somewhat "therapeutic", relaxing you into a sort of "calm" state of mind, wherein all you're really thinking about is the potential "frostbite" in your toes, and how long it will take to get your beer can thawed off of your upper lip.
As I see it, I've done pretty much all I can to help you through the "post" season, and the rest is up to YOU! Sure, there are a scant few of you out there who may be thinking that my advice is pure buffalo dung, but trust me! I've put at least an hour of thought and nearly seven beers into this column, and with only YOUR best interests in mind! That's the kind of guy I am!
Have a great week Friends! May God Bless! And remember that there's a damn good reason that I work in "construction", rather than attempting to "write" for a living!
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