A Halloween special! (Just for kids)

OK kids, you're all set up for a great night of "trick or treating" right? You've already gotten the safety lecture from your moms and dads, you're carrying a flashlight, wearing a pair of sneakers that 'flash' every time you take a step, and your costume is most likely more "angelic" than it is "scary"! You have a pre-planned route that (with the aid of your parents), you must stick to rigidly, and that's if your even lucky enough to be able to go by yourselves, without them idling slowly down the street behind you in the family Suburban, watching your every move in the same way as a barn owl searches for prey. Sounds like fun, huh? I didn't think so, at least not for the more "daring" among you! It's not that your parents don't want you to have fun on Halloween, it's just that your parents don't want you to have FUN on Halloween, like they did when they were young, when "trick-or-treat" was more of an outright threat than a mere request for a miniature snickers bar. Fortunately for you, ( the younger generation), I'm here with my weekly column chock full of helpful hints, (at the very least, my column is chock full of SOMETHING)! If you want to be able to go trick or treating without the same amount of supervision commonly seen by inmates in a maximum security prison, the first thing you need to do is form a trusting bond with your parents, showing them that you are indeed capable of making intelligent decisions on your own, and that you're mature and responsible clear up to the point where you're actually worried about THEM being out on such a night as Halloween, while reminding them that Suburbans tend to use a lot of gas, and that it's not good to let an engine idle for so long. Hopefully, you've been engaged in proving your trustworthiness for the last few weeks at minimum, otherwise it may be too late to gain their trust this close to the actual event, and you will then have to employ the same tactic Bill Clinton used frequently during his Presidency, which is "lying your ass off"! However you earn the right to go out with your friends is totally up to you! I don't want to meddle, by any means! Next, we need to get rid of the sneakers that blink with every step, as if they're equipped with a GPS device and radar detector. If you have no other sneakers, I would suggest that you duct tape over the lights on the ones you have. Remember kid's, if they can see your sneakers, they can see YOU, and no "serious minded" mischief maker wishes to be seen! Now it's time to get rid of those "mamby-pamby" costumes and go for something a little bit more realistic, such as camouflage trousers and a bandana, giving you that "Rambo" look. (Note: if you do choose the Rambo look, be sure to carry a REAL machete rather than a cheap plastic one, and if you wave it around wildly, as if you were recently chosen to play the part of the villain in the next "Jackie Chan" movie, I can almost assure you that you will get special treatment, at least from your local law enforcement)! Whatever costume you decide to go with, just try to remember to keep it dark, and have plenty of storage space for such crucial items as eggs, toilet paper, and bottle rockets. Now that I've armed you with the basic tips for a successful Halloween outing, the rest is entirely up to you! Good luck finding a stock tank that isn't chained down though, or an out-house to tip over. You could always smash pumpkins out in the street, but that's about as lame as "bobbing for apples", though not as disgusting. Well, have fun, sort of. On second thought, maybe you should just stick with wearing the bright colors and collecting candy, and as a side-note, you should probably NEVER lie to your parent's either, (unless it's about a machete) ! Have a great day!

It Takes "Teamwork"!

This morning is one of those Sunday mornings that I find myself reflecting back on life, thinking how many things have changed in it over the years, or at least how much the people in my life have changed. The kids are all grown up and out on their own, many of which have been engaged in the act of producing grandchildren for several years already. I'd have to say that life is pretty good for us at this time, but it took alot of teamwork to make it this way. I remember when I first met Kristy (my wife), about sixteen years ago. We didn't meet in a local church or a community fundraiser dinner, wherein you can pay upwards of five hundred dollars for a plate of food with the proceeds going to some worthy cause like saving the duck-billed platypus. Where we did meet, ironically, was in the beer aisle of the grocery store where she worked, which she later admitted was a planned meeting, rather than by chance, as she knew I happened to visit that particular aisle every night after work. Right away we noticed some very common similarities in each others life situations, by which I mean that she was divorced and raising three young children on her own, whereas I was divorced, and had three young children raising me. After a couple of years of dating each other under strict "Christian values", (by which I mean never going to church with beer on my breath, making it nearly impossible for me to attend such services), we decided to move in together into Kristy's two bedroom house in Smith Center. My oldest, Diana, who was well known for her scholastic skills in virtually every conceivable subject, immediately discovered a problem with the whole "eight-person, two-bedroom" concept, (probably by using some kind of mathematical skills that only truly gifted people attain), and quickly decided to move in with her mother at Beloit. Turns out that it was a tad crowded in that little house, even though Kristy had previously turned the attic space into an upstairs room with her skills in carpentry, staircase and all! Seeing this as a chance to show off my own carpentry skills, I stapled blankets to the bottom side of the truss's, forming several "cubicles" for each child to call their own room. Oddly, I don't believe any of the kids, or even Kristy, was all that impressed with my carpentry skills, but this is the way it was. After a couple of years, Kristy finally goaded me into tearing the front porch off the house and building a new one, which I did by buying a few boards every payday at the local lumber yard, on account of money was pretty tight for us. When it was all finished, it did look pretty good. The next year, we chose it as a place to finally get married, though many of the guests, upon finding out that I built it, would occasionally glance up at it nervously, and tended to be more relaxed if they were off to the outside of it at such a distance as if it fell, they could possibly outrun the debris and dust cloud, and therefore be counted as a first hand witness on the off chance that CNN would show up to cover the story. This is how the kids were raised, though, in a house that was too small, and by two people who didn't have enough money together to buy a package of "Tic-Tacs" after paying the bills each month. It took teamwork to get through these hard times, even though I often look back fondly at them now, but then again, MY bedroom wasn't made out of blankets stapled to the ceiling. Things are much better now for all involved, at least by my way of thinking. The kids are doing very well, and absolutely none of my grand-kids have anything less than a real bedroom with real walls and real sheet-rock to call their own. It's much easier to be a grandparent when you've finally had a chance to make a little money in your life, but it still takes teamwork. For example, last night Kristy's son Nathan and girlfriend Leslie stopped by with Ethan and Paige, our grand-kid's. Grandma had made some delicious homemade cookies, and after having a couple, Paige was given stern warning by her parent's not to have anymore, and they placed the cookie jar way too high for little Paige to reach. This did not discourage her in the least. She immediately asked grandma for the "Bubble-stuff", and lured everyone but grandpa, who was watching college football, out onto the front porch to watch her blow bubbles. Once she had all the people in place (outside), she simply came back in the house to watch football with me, and eat cookies! Paige knows alot about teamwork, plus she knows that grandpa is not only very tall, but also a sucker for her "pouty" look! Ethan uses this same technology to win fishing trips with grandpa when he's here, on the premise that grandpa really shouldn't be allowed to go fishing without proper supervision. This is also the tactic that my son-in-law, Tony, uses when I take grandson Trenton fishing and he wants to go too. I clearly remember a time in my life that I didn't think I needed anybody, and could shoulder life all on my own, and do it my own way. My opinion has changed dramatically over the last few years though. I'm all about teamwork now. Someday maybe I won't be allowed to have any more cookies, and will have to rely on Paige to help me! You never know! Have a great Sunday everyone, and Leslie, if you read this, "C'mon, its only cookies"!

"Tips" on making your job more tolerable! (and what to expect)!

Once again, in an effort to keep all of my readers "informed" on the ways of life here in the United States, I've taken the time (about an hour) to write yet another helpful "blog", and I dedicate this particular blog to all of you people out there that are, sadly, just like me, (at least in the sense of having an old, broken down body and wanting badly to "retire" from your job, but instead are forced to work with " turbo-charged" youngsters half your age who apparently never need to rest). I've made a list of job "tips" just for you, and although they may appear at first to only apply to male "blue-collar" workers, others of you may recognize some of the same "symptoms" at your "white-collar" jobs. #1 (Looking Ambitious) : Even though this sounds like something your boss would want, it rarely turns out to be a good thing for you, the employee! My advice is to only use this particular technique twice, (once during the actual job interview, and then again on your first day at work) , any more than that, and you are likely to "set a pace" for yourself that you know full well you won't be able to keep by the end of the week. #2 (Acting) : This is a very important step, and should probably be memorized! If you're boss gives you an "undesirable" type of task, (such as shoveling, or pulling live rattle snakes out of the pop machine) you should "act" as if you enjoy this immensely, and chances are, you will never have to do it again. It works BOTH ways, too! If, for instance, your boss tells you to drive a truck all day, or operate a backhoe, you should act as though this must be some kind of punishment for a crime you committed as a "breast-sucking" infant! This will assure you many good hours of truck driving and equipment operating! #3 (Avoiding Eye-Contact) : You should NEVER make direct eye contact with your boss, especially if he happens to be holding "hand-tools" of any sort, else you run the risk him handing you one of them and expecting you to use it! If you do, inadvertently, make eye contact with your boss due to circumstances beyond your control, (i.e. he asked you a question and expects a reply), try to think about "football" instead of whatever message he is trying to convey through your thick skull! I firmly believe that if thinking about football can keep you "contained" for awhile longer in the bedroom with your spouse, it will probably work just as well in the workplace to keep you from "shooting off at the mouth"! Football has amazing healing powers! #4 (Slow Days) : On occasion, you may experience what we construction workers fondly refer to as a "slow day", which is usually brought on by either a thunderstorm or the fact that too many of our customers received our "statement of charges" on the same day. I've found that on these type of days, it really IS ok to lean on the fender of a truck, but you can't be stupid about it, the hood MUST be open! I've known many guys who thought they had a slow day coming and were leaning on trucks wherein the hood wasn't even open, and their day turned extremely fast in a hurry! My key is to have the hood open, and at least a screwdriver or pair of pliers in hand, poking at something in the engine compartment with a "concerned" look on your face. You should also, if using a wrench rather than a screwdriver, ensure that it is no bigger than a 9/16", cause if your leaning into the engine compartment with a 2 1/2" wrench in hand, it will immediately look "suspicious". If you don't have a "concerned look" of your own, I suggest that you watch old footage from CNN during hurricane "Katrina", and imitate George W. Bush's frown from the flyover in the helicopter!#5 (Sick Days) : Chances are, (if you're alive), someday you will be sick, and the only feasible way to prevent this is to lock yourself into an oxygen bubble and have pork rinds and red beer injected into your bloodstream by way of i.v., while watching endless episodes of South Park. Unfortunately, many of today's major companies no longer accept "sick" or even "dead" as an excuse for not coming in to work! These are organizations that you MUST avoid working for, as they tend to take everything way too seriously, many of them demanding daily attendance. #6 (Vacation Days) : A lot of the more modern companies and corporations will, (after you've been with them for a year or two), offer you a week or so vacation time, with which you can get out there and enjoy life with your family and forget about the strains of your job, and worry about the more immediate dangers in your life, such as "frostbite", because most modern construction companies will require you to take your vacation in February, during the "slow" time. #7 (Lunch Breaks) : HA-HA! Just joking! Modern employers don't allow employees to take lunch breaks, as it slows the progress of the well oiled machine that your company has become! If you want a job that still allows time out for eating lunch, then I suggest you look into a different line of work, such as a "Banker", or a "Porn-Star"! Well! I certainly hope these tips will provide you with the tools you need to be not only a productive employee, but a blissfully happy one as well! If, by chance, you happen to own your own company and you ARE the boss, then you should dis-regard this entire column, and go back to studying the blue-prints for the job you just bid on! Chances are, I'll write a column much more tailored to your specific needs in the not too distant future! Here's to hoping you all have a great day, and also to hoping that MY boss doesn't read this blog!

"Jekyll's and Hydes" (and of course, grandchildren)

Tony and Diana dropped by yesterday for a brief visit, along with their two boys, (my grandchildren), Trenton and Caleb. Every year in October they come to Ellis to go to the "Cottage Lane pumpkin patch" wherein you take a hay-rack ride out into the wild, largely un-tamed, areas of Ellis Kansas in order to pick your own pumpkin. This is not only great fun for the kids, but also gives you the opportunity to pay about twice as much for a pumpkin as you would have if you'd just bought one at the store. Last year Kristy and I went with them to this gala event, but this year I missed the phone call because I was working on my old truck out back and Kristy was in Hays visiting family. They stopped at our house shortly after noon to visit grandpa and show me the pumpkins that the two boys picked out "all by themselves"! During this visit I started noticing how Trenton,(3 years old), and his brother Caleb (thirteen months), have totally different personalities. Trenton has an "out-going" type of personality, and can literally "melt" your heart with his little bright eyes and antics, whereas Caleb tends to not want to be "bothered" with any type of human contact coming from any source other than his parents. Trenton will come flying up to you at speeds ( which are to this day un-recordable by our current "radar technology"), just to give you a big hug, and possibly recite a huge portion of the "Gettysburg address" in your ear. Caleb, on the other hand, seems to have little concern for the Gettysburg address, and in the back of my mind, I can see him standing there, less than two feet tall and in a diaper, pointing a tiny index finger at me and saying, ( in a husky voice), something like "Listen Gramps, the ONLY reason I'm not kicking your ass right now is because I don't want to break my parole and end up back in the Big House"! Of course I love all of my grandchildren equally, I just have to marvel at how two kids raised together in the exact same environment can have such distinct personality differences. A couple weeks ago I was pulling these two boys in their "Radio Flyer" wagon around Hays and to the playground at the school. They had a blast as long as they were both in the wagon at the same time, but when Trenton would get out of it temporarily to perform some type of mundane task,( such as breaking the sound barrier, or performing open heart surgery on a Koala bear), Caleb would immediately turn "serious" again, and stare up at me from the wagon as if the only reason he wasn't calling 911 at this very minute to report me for "slightly-inebriated wagon propulsion" was that he had inadvertently left his cell phone on the kitchen counter, next to his car keys and his devised plan for taking over the world next year. I always have a great time with all my grandkids, and in closing this Sunday's blog, I would just like to give a little "sound" advice to Trenton and Caleb, regarding the future! Trenton: If you want to be able to someday tell the stories of how you used to be able to beat your brother up and take his "Tonka" toys, you should probably be actively doing that right now, rather than reading this! Next year will probably be too late! Caleb: Uh,,,,,,,,look, I'm your grandpa, BUDDY! This whole thing is just for fun! It's a future "Humor column"! You CAN take a joke, Right? Have a great Sunday everyone!

''Monsters and Politicians" (Who needs them)?

By my calculations, three weeks from today the streets and sidewalks will be filled with "hideous" monsters, such as "vampires", "werewolves", "ghosts", "goblins", and "Liberal Democrat's" in a last-ditch effort to obtain your vote by Tuesday! Ha Ha! Just joking! Nobody dresses up as a "Goblin" anymore, and most of us are unsure of what a goblin actually is anyway! Personally, I enjoy seeing the little kids dressed up in their various costumes, ranging in everything from small woodland creatures to princesses, super-heroes, and bog monsters, even though they sometimes come to the door in this exact group, expecting you to be afraid of the bog monster, even though "Superman" is standing right next to him, giving you a feeling of security from the start. (Not to mention that the "Princess" doesn't seem to be too unnerved by the fact that she is bidding for candy beside a "Bog monster", even if superman is absent)! Still, as a responsible adult, it's your "civic-duty" to react to each youngsters costume accordingly, being scared of the scary ones, thankful for the super heroes, and in awe of the beauty of the princess! Halloween is a fun time for kids, teaching them not only how to "act" the part of their chosen character, but also how to present yourself as something you're really not (such as a "humor writer", or a"dedicated politician") and still receive rewards for it. Halloween should also be a fun time for adults, giving you a chance, as a respected adult, to act like a fool trying to scare the kids that are trying to scare you. I would also hope that you don't go "cheap" on the treats for these youngsters, feeding them such silly things as "sweet tarts", "Jolly ranchers", and miniature "Snickers" candy bars! Remember, these kids are putting their whole "heart and soul" into this performance for you, and you should reward them greatly, with such home-made items as "caramel apples" and "popcorn balls"! These are great treats! My first wife gave me "popcorn balls" eighteen years ago during our divorce, and I still have them today! (the "cauliflower" ear came from boxing, but I saved it as well)! Overall, the message that I'm trying to portray here is that we "older" folks all had the chance to have our fun on Halloween, and we should give young people the chance to do the same. Also, the "monsters" that you give candy to on Halloween, are nowhere near as scary as the monsters that will appear two days later on your voting ballot. Keep the porch light on for the innocent kid's my friend's, and please pass out huge amounts of treats on October 31st, rather than two days later, on November 2nd! Rewards should be given only for accomplishments, not promises! Happy Halloween, friends! And now, a word from my grandson Trenton, who is constantly attempting to help me type this story! ttrewqlkuyttbfpldow0owq;H VJFUYI9IIJHGGFEbnbnbnnnnnnmhgd
NkiS9IWQIQ0Lkjhhgdsaa09877665431mmmmttRIRIDRTTTGOKFLOOFI! (What a character, and this also marks the first time I've been called a "Riridrttgokfloofi"!

"Empty-nest syndrome" (How to keep it that way)!

This is the time of year when alot of you parent's out there, having just recently sent your offspring off to college, are enjoying having the house to yourselves for the first time. It's relaxing, isn't it? No loud cars pulling into your driveway late at night! No uniformed police officers knocking at your door at two o'clock in the morning, demanding to know why your son's car is parked at the top of the stairs leading into the main entrance of the county courthouse! No more padlock on your beer fridge! These are just a few of the problems we all had to deal with when raising our children through high school, or at least I did. Now that you've "done your hard time" (you think) and sent your child off to college where they will, in your mind, spend a huge portion of their time actually attending classes tailored to whatever career goal they chose, rather than what they're really doing, which is prancing around their dorm rooms in their underwear, amidst a pyramid of beer cans and pizza boxes, during hours they should be in class. Who knows what they're doing at night? Despite all the hard work and effort that you believe your child is putting into college, there is always an "off-chance" that things won't work out, and that your child will one day want to move back in with you! That's why, (lucky for you), I'm here every Sunday with my blog, which is chock-full of useful advice with which to make your lives easier! One way to keep your child from moving back into your house is to sell it and move to a completely different state, being careful not to leave a forwarding address! Keep in contact with your child via cell phone only, as they are hard to trace, whereas a house phone leaves a distinct "area" code, which could give clues as to where you're calling from. Another good way to stay in contact with your child without disclosing your actual "where-about's" is to use E-mail, rather than the old fashioned, or "snail mail", which often leaves a discriminating "postmark" allowing the recipient of the mail to know where the letter was mailed from in the first place. If you have no access to a computer and must use the regular "Postal" system, I suggest that you drive several states away from where you actually live before you mail your letter, thereby confusing everybody but me, and the other readers of this blog. If you don't really want to move to another state or foreign country because you may have a "really good job" or some other feeble excuse, I have, (through research), discovered ways in which you can stay in the home you are currently located in and run little risk of your child wanting to move back in with you! One way is for you and your spouse (and possibly really close friends) to routinely walk around naked. This tends to work not only on college-age kid's, but un-wanted neighbors as well! You could also consider "renting" the room that your particular child stayed in to a "Lice-infected hobo", although this method tends to make nudity a little awkward, and lice-infected hobo's seldom actually "pay" the rent! That's all the time I have for now, as I am "committed" to having this blog published by eleven o'clock every Sunday morning! If you find yourself in the midst of people who need yet more answers, I will gladly give you the "e-mail" addresses of some of my "in-laws", who obviously have ALL the answers in life! Have a great Sunday, and may GOD bless you all!

"It's all in the Evolution" (or at least I think)!

Life is "chock-full" of mystery's, such as; Is there really a God? Did we really evolve from monkeys?, and, (most importantly), why is my beer "warmish"? As a self-proclaimed "expert" in the business of "mystery solving", (mostly from watching back to back episodes of Scooby-Doo), I can give you a positive answer to one-third of those questions, which I will do here today, if only in a desperate attempt to boost my blog readership! Is there a God? In my opinion, there HAS to be! Mankind simply cannot be it's own "ruler", or "creator", based on the fact that after some two thousand years we still can't figure out how to keep all four lanes of an inter-state highway open without traffic cones and seriously unbelievable "men working" signs strewn everywhere! I've pretty much ruled out the fact that there could be a more "intelligent" breed of mankind that may have ties to beginning life as a human, not because I don't believe in the "craftsmanship" of man, but more because we can, as a whole, barely pour a sidewalk or driveway without getting a permit from an even higher power, such as the city. Darwin's "Theory of Evolution" seems like a very strong argument, but it always made me wonder where he thought the monkey's came from originally. I realize that Darwin's theory is not a "per se" religion, but how do you come to the conclusion that only some of us monkeys decided to go ahead and evolve into humans in the first place, leaving many other monkeys (probably homeless), behind? In all seriousness, wouldn't a simple dog be the mostly likely animal that we would want to be evolved from? I say this only because dogs love you no matter what you do, whereas monkeys, (I'm told), are extremely judge-mental and vicious, much like your "EX"! All that's left now is to explain why my beer isn't cold, which I can easily do! My beer isn't cold because of you, you atheist little pukes who believe in the "black hole", causing me to spend more time typing excuses to you for the basic behavior of all mankind, (as if you deserve some kind of an apology), rather than sitting here, drinking beer and jotting down humorous comments. You, who apparently consider yourself a Veteran based on the premise that you actually know one, or would have been one yourself, if not for that "nasty" foot problem! Spare me, and please don't "demand" my respect for you while giving me none of yours! It doesn't work that way, you Godless pukes! I believe in Jesus Christ, though I have to admit, you may have very well "evolved" from a possum, or raccoon, or maybe even a skunk