Vote "Rany"! ( or just suffer!)

Once again, I've decided to run for the office of President of the United States of America, but only because I don't really have that much to do today. I realize that my chances of actually "winning" the Republican nomination would be "slim", at best, but I've taken the time to compile a list of reasons as to how I would get tons of votes from the "Liberal Democrats", who, it seems, always have a way of narrowing our selection of candidates through such means as "media coverage"! Face it! I've got every bit as much "popularity" as either Rand Paul or Herman Cain, but what I don't have is the necessary "funding" it takes to "run for office". I also lack the basic "common sense" that the Good Lord instilled in most other life forms, such as humans, household pets, and "free-range" rutabagas, but that shouldn't be an issue here. The way I figure, the average, "run-of-the-mill" American citizen no longer cares about the "little" things, such as whether or not they've elected a leader to represent them to the rest of the world who has an IQ score in the "positive" numbers. I think, based on recent television news, that the American voter is only interested in "honesty", and just about anything else that would make a great "News" story! Heck! I have literally "loads" of that kind of stuff! For instance, I tend to "look people in the eye" when I'm engaged in conversation with them, unless of course the person I happen to be talking to is "female", in which case I have to be entirely "honest" with you and admit that in nearly twenty years of being with my wife, there's not a chance in hell that I can tell you what color her eyes are. This happens a lot to me whenever I see ANY woman, especially in the "summer"! I'm guessing that it's an early sign of "Alzheimers" disease, or maybe "alcohol". But seriously, sometimes I don't fully recognize a woman in a "bikini" until I've "circled" the block at least three times. In many cases, I'm not even sure if the woman even HAS a "face", but that's probably just me. I think that admission alone should probably make me a "shoo-in" for the Republican nomination, at least if I were trying to get votes from the "other side", but if it's not enough, I also drink large quantities of "beer", which is a "liquid" type of refreshment that I believe Jesus himself gave us the recipe for, knowing that one day our wives would spend their time watching such things as "American Idol" on television. Also, as a "candidate" for the "Presidency", I would vow to do lot's of "really neat" things with tax-payer money, such as adding more "twine" to the world's largest ball of twine in Cawker City Kansas, and maybe even adding more corn to the "Corn Palace" in Mitchell, South Dakota. In any case, I figure that I can't lose. I figure that my personal "moral compass" needs a factory "reset", but in the meantime, if elected, I'll be able to keep YOU and your CHILDREN on the right "track", and that's what is ultimately important! Please vote "Rany" on your next election ballot! It won't do no good, but maybe it will fill you with the satisfaction of knowing that you voted for "honesty"! Have a great week Friends, and know that I NEED YOUR votes, on account of I'm tired of working for a living. It's OUR Country, and our dad's are very tired, so let's fix it by ourselves! GOD Bless! Also, I would like to add that if you're a "female", I have no idea whatsoever what you're eye-color is, even though I can probably tell you the exact "top" you were wearing when we met for the first time.

"Bad to the bone"?

Sometimes I think that both my wife and I are going through some sort of "mid-life" crisis, wherein we grow tired of the same old routine of just going to work everyday and then going to bed each night after the news is over. As exciting as that may sound to some, it just "isn't enough" for some of your "higher-geared" couples, like me and my wife Kristy, so this weekend we decided to officially become members of the "bikers" community and pooled our money together to buy our first "Hog"! Well, actually, it's not so much a hog as it is a fifty cc Yamaha moped "scooter", but I think it commands about the same amount of respect as a Harley does, judging from the way people look at us when we ride by. I realize that being a "biker" carries a certain amount of personal responsibility with it, and as a way of proving to the rest of the populace in Ellis that we are indeed "mature" enough to own a moped, we are putting ourselves through a fairly rigid "school" on the basic rules of the road. Even so, I have a lot of questions that have been overlooked entirely by the people of the Yamaha corporation when they printed the users manual for our particular scooter. For instance, how many tattoos are we required to have for a bike of this size? Do the tattoos need to be highly visible, or can some of them be hidden? Is it really required that my good wife "flashes" her breasts to oncoming motorists and truck drivers, or shall I tell her to stop it immediately? When we take our first road trip to some biker "rally" place, such as Sturgis, will the other bikers slow down to the maximum 30 mph that OUR bike can achieve, or will we be "cut from the herd" and forced to travel alone? Will we need to buy leather jackets and chaps, and special boots, or will we look "tough enough" in shorts and flip-flops? What about Sarah Palin? I'm a huge fan of hers, but I wonder if she'd let us ride with her on her next "tour"? I also wonder if the local law enforcement will start "casing" our home, keeping a suspicious eye on us at all times, and keeping tabs on all of our visitors, now that we're "bikers"? Will we be able to join an actual bikers group, such as "Hell's Angels", or the "Shriners", or is there some sort of rigorous test we would have to pass in order to qualify? If you ask me, there are a lot of things that should be covered in our manual that are far more important than the "simpleton" things they mention, such as where to put the gas in, and how to activate the turn signals and brakes, but maybe that's just me. In any case, Happy Fathers Day to all you guys out there who either are a father, have a father, or for some reason just don't know yet! And to all of my new biker friends, keep the bugs in your teeth and the wind blowing through the area where your hair once was! Also "Peace out Bro"! At least I THINK that's a "Biker" term. Happy Fathers Day, and if you STILL have nothing better to do, I'll be back next Sunday morning! Have a great week, and God Bless YOU and yours!

Do YOU have "what it takes" to be a Politician?

I understand that there's a fairly good number of people here in the United States that would love nothing more than to just be able to quit working altogether, and instead be paid handsomely by the U.S. government, whether it be 'via' a public sector "union", or starting a brand new "career" as an elected official. Whatever you choose, I'm here to help you most every Sunday morning by "keeping you informed" on the various tactics and actions that you will need to perform in order to secure your own "government position", and it don't cost you anything! That's just the kind of guy I am! To begin, let's just assume that you're running for one of the "smaller" political offices that are widely available, such as a "Senator", "House Representative", "Governor", "Lieutenant Governor", "Mistress of Lieutenant Governor", or "Illegal immigrant worker who routinely gets his "tool" wet with the lieutenant governors real wife when the L.G. goes on "business" trips with his mistress". The first thing you need to do to ensure that the people who you want to vote for you actually DO vote for you, is to deny any involvement whatsoever with organizations that are "uncool", such as the "Republican Party", "T.E.A. Party", "Beer Party", and basically anything else that may make you look like a "Conservative" or "Christian"! Why? The simple answer is that nobody cares about these kind of things anymore,* and if YOU continue to harbor "out-dated" beliefs based on the fact that the people who voted you "in" actually expect you to represent them in a "good" way, you're not gonna "make it"! Face it! The ONLY way you'll ever make it in "politics" is to run as a "Liberal Democrat", so I suggest that you do that immediately! Also, it would help to have a few "sex scandals" on your resume, so if you don't currently have any, or are otherwise not inclined to cheat on your particular "spouse", I suggest that you either "rent" one, or just make one up from "scratch". "Sex-ting" is another sure-fire, time-tested way to earn the votes of people who have I.Q. scores in the negative numbers, so if you do not currently own a cell phone capable of taking pictures of your "private parts", I suggest that you get one immediately, and if you happen to be a female, let me know and I'll give you an e-mail address to a "secure" place where you can send your pictures to, but ONLY if you want my vote! I tend to take these matters "seriously"! If in fact you actually DO get elected, you will have to understand that a certain type of behavior will be expected from you, now that you're a "public figure"! The general "public" apparently no longer cares* about such trivial things as "job performance", but is now enlightened enough to actually believe that our elected officials are more like "movie stars", so rather than be a "boring", "stick to the issues" type of public servant, you should probably "shake things up" a little, maybe by selling a Senate seat, or drowning a mistress in a lake! Sorry, but the "Giant Swimming Rabbit" story has already been taken. Also, it is widely believed that George "Herbert Walker" Bush did not get reelected for a second term mainly due to the lack of a "sex scandal", as well as the fact that he had enough names for at least two people. You should also have a "state-of-the-art" computer in your actual government office, chock full of video games as well as the ability to get huge amounts of internet "porn", because now that you're employed by the United States government, you'll be spending several hours each week at "work", and you're going to need something to do! If the stresses of working for the "people" start to wear on you, feel free to take advantage of at least one of the many government "exercise" facilities, which should not only give you the chance to "unwind", but also give you the opportunity to take naked pictures of yourself with your cell phone, and send them to young girls in the northeast who may be currently struggling with trying to figure out the "metric" system anyway, what with all the conversions from "centimeters" to "inches". Well, that's all the time I have for today, but I sincerely hope that YOU, the potential candidate, may have inadvertently learned that you have no business running for any kind of "office" in the first place, unless of course you are willing to give up on all the morals, beliefs, and standard codes of conduct that your parents instilled in you in the first place! As for myself, I'm still planning on running for the office of "Beer can picker-upper" in Ellis, and in order to keep my "dream" alive, I'm afraid that I must post this naked picture of my "private parts" right now on my blog, so here it is, in the parenthesis (:-). Well, you have to keep in mind that this is an "aerial" view, and even though the picture is depicted in "actual size", the "point" is still the same, by which I mean that if you approve of this, you shouldn't be voting anyway! Have a great week Friends! And remember that GOD Loves You! Also, you shouldn't let "quality" pictures such as this fall into the wrong hands over the internet, so choose your friends wisely!


* Except me!

The "Ruling" class of people?

One of the greatest benefits we have here in the United States is undoubtedly our ability to choose and elect our own leaders, or, at least, we are able to cast a vote for whichever candidates had enough money to get their name on the ballot, whether or not they really have our best interests in mind. Outside of that particular problem, and also the fact that illegal immigrants, deceased people, and large amounts of reasonably smart house pets are currently allowed to vote as well, as long as they vote "Democrat", our system is in great shape! But no matter how much money was spent on their campaigns, or even how many people they had to "stiff" along the way, once these candidates actually achieve their goal of getting elected, they become what is known as our "ruling class". You know, the people you hated in High School because they were so much smarter than you! The people who are SO much smarter than any of the rest of us that we would surely perish in just a matter of days without their guidance. Of course I can't speak for YOU, but I know I'M thankful to have a better class of people constantly advising me and trying to control the way I live! Heck! If not for Michelle Obama's constant preaching about eating plenty of fresh fruits, vegetables, and boiled gravel, I'd probably still be eating "Hot @ Spicy" pork rinds and drinking "red" beer on Sunday mornings when I write this blog, but since I've been educated recently on the health benefits of a "balanced diet", I was able to see the folly of my way, and have also added a slab of "beef-jerky" into the "mix". I really don't intend to write an entire story this morning praising Michelle Obama or her husband, even though those who know me the best certainly know that I have TONS of praise for both of them, but today I would like to extend my praise to some of our "other" political leaders as well, most of whom are members of the "Democratic" party, but not all. Let's just start by giving a "thumbs-up" to good old "Slick Willy", or, if YOU'RE a Democrat, you may remember him as "Bill Clinton", but in any case, if not for leadership like his, middle-aged men like myself all over the country would STILL, to this very day, be under the impression that cigars were only to be used for smoking, chewing, and lighting firecrackers! Many of us wouldn't even know how to DEFINE sex either, much less participate in it, if not for Bill's "ruling-class" attitude! I think another good example of true leadership is probably Democrat representative Anthony Wiener, who, in an apparent attempt to put jobless Americans back to work in the "underwear" industry, gallantly sacrificed his OWN body in a recent advertisement for "Fruit of the loom", even though he was far too humble to accept the credit for it when asked by news anchors! Arnold Schwarzenegger, (RINO), was so worried about the state of California's declining number of jobs in the "agricultural industry" that he "took a stand" on the issue and began "planting seed" in areas where many people thought nothing would grow, such as his housekeeper. Look at John Edwards, the Democratic Presidential "hopeful" from the last election, who, despite knowing that his wife of countless years and dedication to him was dying of cancer, STILL found a way to use his campaign donations to fund an extra-marital affair and have a baby with one of his own campaign managers, displaying the "Never give up" state of mind that almost all Democrats and welfare recipients share. If this isn't enough, you can always just take a gander at Democrat Nancy Pelosi! I'd take a look myself, but I was thinking about eating lunch soon and don't want to kill my appetite. In any case, it's important to remember that we Americans choose our own leaders, and it's also important to remember that we choose them to SERVE us, not to tell us how we should live. Especially by their standards! If they have any. I think we should choose wisely, and make an honest attempt to actually KNOW exactly what the candidate's intentions really are, if that's even possible. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to have lunch with my wife. Maybe afterwards we'll have a cigar, but who knows? May the Good Lord Bless and Keep YOU, until we meet again, which should be about next Sunday. At least by MY math. Have a great week Friends! And remember that "Mitt's" and "Newt's" are things that your mother used to pick out of your hair when you were little, and NOT something to be "voted" for! God Bless!