"Gravity and Balance"! (How they're out to get us)!

I don't want to scare anybody, but you need to be aware of the fact that large groups of space aliens from the planet Zork are slowly trying to kill us off by tampering with the Earth's "Gravitational Pull"! Don't laugh! This is TRUE! I started to notice this years ago, when I was just a kid, but didn't want to say anything! Now that I'm nearly 50, the change has become so radical that I feel SOMEBODY has to start some sort of "public-awareness" group, lest we all die horrible deaths because we're no longer able to defend ourselves! I'm guessing that the "Zorkians" must have somehow gained access to some type of "control room" somewhere, and probably started fooling around with a panel full of dials and toggle switches and what-not. All I know for sure, is that things which were fairly easy to lift when I was younger seem to be extremely "heavy" now, and this has to STOP!
If memory serves me right, in 1687, Sir Isaac Newton presented his theory of "Gravity, and how it affects Your Balance", to a "sold-out" crowd in the Roman Colosseum, but very few people were even paying attention by the time he got to the part about the evil Zorkians. In fact, most of the "younger" members of the audience were far too busy sending text messages to their friends to listen to ANY of it, and it's been "downhill" ever since then!
As for myself, I'm a "firm" believer in Mr. Newton's theory, but mostly because I'm very "alert", and am confronted occasionally by these problems firsthand. The most recent example would probably be just last night, when gravity and balance BOTH became a major issue to me after spending several hours watching college football and drinking beer. As the type of person that "notices" other people a lot, I've found that gravity can have seriously huge effects on our own personal "bodies" as well, making many of our stomachs appear to have some sort of "concern" as to what our feet are doing, judging by the way they hang around near that vicinity. Fortunately, after all these years, at least SOME of my own "body parts" have started to reject the whole "gravity" thing, and are actually rebelling against it by using the "shrinking" process, which I figure to be a GOOD thing, judging from my good wife's tears of joy when I get out of the shower.
I'm guessing that the best way to fight against gravity would be to inform the masses of the world that it's a "bad" thing, and maybe take some tax-payer money to write a book about it. After all, it works for the "kooks" on the left! It even worked for Albert Einstein, who came up with the whole "Theory of Relativity" thing, which stated, (if memory serves me right), that "Man Never Knows just how Many Relatives he has until He wins the Lottery, or Starts the Barbeque"!
Heck! Look at Al Gore! Al started a huge portion of the "free world" believing in such things as "green energy", and "global warming", leading to the end result of millions of Americans paying top dollar for such things as "windmills" that produce huge amounts of energy once you "plug them in" to an outlet found near a major coal-mining operation. "Al" also convinced millions of people that they should reduce their "carbon footprint" by driving "gas-guzzling" vehicles less, which I also believe is a "good" thing, ranking right up there with keeping the borders "open", so that foreigners driving gas guzzling cars can come to YOUR town and take YOUR job on account of YOUR inability to get to work on time because YOUR electric car can't be charged by the "windmills", which need the power of coal to keep them going in the first place.
In any case, I've decided to make millions of dollars from a book that I'll be releasing very soon, which is designed to not only SCARE you, but to give you a sort of "insider" look at just why I'm an idiot in the first place! Also, You should probably take a long look at Yourself, using some sort of "mirror" or other reflective device. YOU are the future of this great Country, and if you're buying books from the likes of Al Gore, you may as well be buying them from me.

"Marital advice"! (From a person YOU trust)!

I think that virtually ALL young couples who are planning on getting married and possibly spending the rest of their lives together should have to spend at least one year "living together" first! This should give both individuals ample time to really get to know each other, plus catch any "character" flaws in your partner that may well have gone unnoticed before. I figure it needs to be a full calendar year too, just in case your prospective spouse appears "normal" for most of the year, but then, say, during the "Christmas" season, smears his or her private parts with cranberry sauce and chases small woodland creatures around at the city park. You'd want to know something like that beforehand, wouldn't you? I know I would, and I think we need a "government program" to help us sort all of this out!

It's not that the younger generation isn't at least ATTEMPTING to get to know each other a little better! A couple of years back, I was watching a piece on "speed-dating", wherein there was a room full of little tables, and a fairly equal amount of young guys and gals who would, by use of a "timer", ask each other questions for a period of about three minutes or so, then go to the next table, etc... The jist of this was to enable the person to figure out which one of the potential "dates" you had the most things in common with before you went on an actual "date". I suppose, for THIS generation, it's probably okay, but it would never have worked back in the seventies. At least not for me, because due to the strict "moral and ethical" code that I had as a teenager, if I'd been with just about ANY young lady for more than three minutes and hadn't gained at least SOME type of "carnal" knowledge about her, that date was over. In fact, MOST of my dates were completely over in about an hour or so anyway! It's not that I'm ENDORSING that type of behavior, but I DO think it's extremely important that the younger generation do at least a minimal amount of "research" on their prospective spouse before the actual "wedding day", just to reduce the risk of any "unexpected" surprises, such as "multiple" or "missing" sexual organs! If you can't actually do the "research" on your own, I would suggest that you contact your congress-person immediately, and possibly set up a "government" program.


That being said, how many of YOU are in support of the worthless idiots who are protesting on Wall Street? Sure, the media and the White House democrat's are trying to convince YOU that these are just ordinary American workers who are "fed-up" with the unfairness of "Capitalism", and want their "fair" share, but what exactly IS "their fair share"? How much money do you think people like the recently deceased "Apple" CEO, Steve Jobs, owe YOU, for all of their hard work? How much of your money do the major corporations in the United States "steal" from you? I'm going to guess not much, especially in comparison to the taxes you pay to the government in order to maintain your "lavish" lifestyle, plus the money you give to social security so that it will BE there when you need it, in a few short years! Do you know that nearly ALL of the "protestors" on "Wall st." are being paid for protesting? It's true! They're stinking, rotten, welfare pukes who poison the whole American way of life because they believe they're "owed" something that they haven't "earned"! And YOU think I talk "dirty"! It's YOUR "democratic" controlled government that is achieving "carnal" knowledge of YOU, so it's up to YOU to fix it! If you have trouble figuring out just how to do this, you should probably go ahead and read the last paragraph of this particular story, which is NOT about sex!


My good wife Kristy and I lived together for several years (platonic, of course), before deciding to take that "extra step" and get married, and it's apparently working out okay. This is NOT the "government's fault", on account of I KNEW what I was doing, and sometimes, we ALL have to take responsibility for our own actions! So far, the only character flaw I've ever found with Kristy is that she, on occasion, wants to have "meaningful" conversations with me, even though it's clearly "football" season. It's NOT her fault though! I think that basically ALL women who are not interested in "sports" tend to have an abnormal surplus of the sensitive and "clingy" genes, but because I'm her husband and I love her, I'll try to talk her through her anxieties, and help her to become "normal", at least by MY definition. With any luck, I SHOULD be able to do this during "commercial" breaks, and maybe at "halftime". But not right now. I have a game to watch, and Kristy went to the store to purchase several notebooks and ink pens anyway, so she could write down MY "character" flaws! You can bet that I'll READ them too! At least during commercial breaks.

God Bless, and have a great week, Friends!

"It Ain't Fair"

I think that the biggest problem facing America today is our inability to "communicate" with each other. It's not that we don't have the "means" to communicate, what with all the new technology, such as the internet, cell phones, text messaging, and sky-writing, but more because nobody has the slightest clue what anybody else is trying to say anymore! This likely all started back in the eighties, when the good people at "Webster" decided to include many of our American "slang" words into their dictionary, like "ain't", "can't", and "democrat". I'm not trying to specifically place the blame on Webster's dictionary by itself, but I believe they played a huge role in our lack of communicable skills today. And it's only getting WORSE! I can remember LOT'S of times wherein I would speak my mind in a post on "facebook", only to receive an unintelligible reply from one of my friends, such as "ROFLMAO", or "LMAO", or even "LOL". I find this extremely disturbing, because my name is "RANY", and I have no earthly clue who these other guys are! Judging from their names, I'd have to guess that they are Italian. Or maybe French. Also, I get an "OMG" on occasion, but I'm safely assuming that that's a Greek name.
Even our own government appears to be confused by American "slang" language! Take the 2nd Amendment, for instance, wherein the founding fathers had agreed that the "right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed"! Because of poor communication skills, our government, (by which I mean Democrats and a handful of supreme court justices), have taken this to mean that the government SHOULD infringe on the rights of it's citizens, and spend every minute of their "free" time attempting to ban guns in the United States, then send them to Mexico via government "Help" programs, such as "Fast and Furious"!

Another example would be when former President Bush "senior", while running for election, stated that there would be "no new taxes", and then inundated the country with bales of new taxes after the election. Turns out he was just joking around.

President Obama, after learning that the majority of the American people wanted less government interference in their lives, and that we "working-class" citizens would be plenty happy to just provide for our own selves and families, yet didn't wish to take on the responsibilities of paying for the illegal immigrants and those who were just plain "too lazy to work", immediately introduced what we call "Obama-care", giving most of us the opportunity to pay for the "deadbeats" first, then worry about our own families at a later date. It's not as if he left us with no way out though, because if the job market was good, we could all take "second jobs" in order to help pay, ensuring that these people's lives would be largely unaffected, and that the deadbeats who have never worked at all are now able to sue companies and corporations who refuse to "hire" them for that very fact. With any luck, us taxpayers will be able to pay for not only the lawyers of the deadbeats, but hopefully for the losses of whoever is actually being "sued", as well!

I believe that the only way to fix our problems is to "sort through" our education system and force all of our teachers to teach only proper "English", and no more "slang"! Maybe then our elected officials would be able to understand exactly what it is that we're trying to tell them! Maybe then we would all be able to communicate with each other again. Maybe. But who knows? The only thing I know for sure is that out of all the citizens "polled" in this particular household, one hundred percent of them agreed that we all "take care of our own", and that anything else just "ain't" fair.
Have a great weekend, my "working" Friends! And may God Bless!