"Look out below"!

I've decided to sue NASA. Not for anything they did directly to me, but for the emotional trauma that I suffered this week wondering if their falling satellite was going to land on me. Plus, for the really "stiff" neck I got from constantly gazing up into the sky looking for it, thinking that maybe I would see it in just enough time to take some kind of evasive action! I realize that many of you may have also suffered trauma from this incident, and may be "launching" your OWN lawsuits against NASA, so in the interest of "fairness", I've decided to ask for no more than two hundred million dollars for myself! That should leave plenty of money left over for the rest of you. At least by my way of figuring. Don't get me wrong. It's not as if I have some "personal" problem with NASA. I don't even know any of the employees that work there! It's just that I have enough things to worry about in life without the added burden of knowing that I could be squashed by falling space debris at any moment. One of the things I worry about a bunch is our government, and even though I feel re-assured that there are enough other people worried about it too that Obama couldn't get re-elected to President if his only opponent was a poorly trained lab rat, I still worry how much more damage he can do before he leaves office. I think we have loads of great candidates on the Republican side. I've listened to all of them at one time or another, and even though ALL of them seem to be very intelligent, every one of them has at least one "flaw" that "worries" me. If I was going to pick one to "stand behind" at this particular point in time, it would be Michelle Bachman, but for reasons that may not be all that closely related to politics anyway. I just hope that whoever wins the GOP nomination will make a good President, and get what's left of our great Country back on track! I'm sure it will take many years to undo the damage of the Obama administration, but together, I'm sure "We Can"*! The best part is, at least for me, once we have a good Republican President and begin turning our Nation around, I can stop worrying about the government, and start worrying about the things I used to worry about, such as if "Kenny" will get killed on the next episode of "South Park", or where the electricity goes when it leaves our toaster. You know. The "usual" things a fifty year old man should worry about! If things improve even faster then I predict, I may even cut NASA a little "slack, and take a smaller settlement!
Have a great week Friends! And remember that I'll be here next Sunday with even MORE useless information and ill-given advice! In the meantime, God Bless!


* = Remember that slogan? Don't vote that way again!

"The ruling on the field stands as called"?

I love football. That's one of the reasons that fall is my favorite time of the year. That and hunting season. Unfortunately for me, the state of Kansas couldn't field a decent football team this year if K-State and KU were consolidated, so I spend a lot of my time "surfing" through the other channels, searching for "more interesting" football games. It seems that every year there are tons more "new" rules in college football, most of them to protect the "kickers", whom I would have to assume are a very "fragile" bunch, and probably suffer from low self-esteem. There are some good rules though, such as you can no longer rip an opposing players helmet off of his head and beat him with it, unless you want a 15 yard penalty! Myself, I like the whole "instant replay" system the best, wherein opposing coaches can "challenge" a referee's call on the field due to whatever view an actual camera presents of whatever the situation is. The problem with this is that if you're playing a team with a lot of "clout", like the Oklahoma Sooners, Nebraska Cornhuskers, or basically any team from Texas, (minus the Baylor Bears), you're NOT going to win the "challenge", on account of these teams fans "travel" well, and they need a really good record to get a decent "bowl" game at the end of the season. To give you just one example, yesterday afternoon I was watching the Nebraska Cornhuskers in an exciting first half home game against the Washington Huskies, and Nebraska's #10 Jamal Turner CLEARLY steps "out-of-bounds" on about the eight yard line before running on in to the end zone for a touchdown. Washington's head coach, (whoever he is), challenged the call, and it sounded something like this, at least on MY tv:
Brent: "Looks like there's going to be a challenge, Boomer"!
Boomer: "I would challenge it too, Brent. If you look at it from this angle, Turner was clearly out of bounds"!
Brent: "Don't look at it from that angle anymore, Boomer"!
Boomer: "But look! He ran clean through row 6 of the seating section! He even stopped to buy a hot dog from a vendor"! "For Christ's sake! He's even signing autographs"!
(Meanwhile, a camera zooms in on the sidelines, showing Jamal with a practiced "innocent" look, while trainers are busy wiping chalk off of his left foot and mustard stains off his chin. The referee comes out onto the field with his decision).
Referee: "After further review, the ruling on the field stands as called. Touchdown Nebraska"!
Boomer: "You've GOT to be kidding me"!
Brent: "Just not enough evidence to overturn the call, Boomer".
Boomer:
I don't want anybody to think that I'm just "picking" on Nebraska! I like Nebraska*! But this same thing seems to happen over and over again throughout the world of college football, with all the "breaks" given to the team with the "bigger" name. To be fair, I've seen the same type of thing go on a lot in college basketball, where Kansas actually IS one of the "bigger" names and get's unfair "breaks", but so far I've refrained from actually "writing" about it, even though it troubles me greatly. (not really). In any case, football season has only just begun, and you can bet that not only will I be watching as much as possible, but I'll try to throw in an irritating comment occasionally on my facebook page, cause that's just the kind of guy I am. Especially if you're a "Cornhusker" fan!
Have a great week Friends, and if you're name happens to be "Garry" or "Marty", remember that this is a "humor" blog, and there is no reason to put poisonous snakes in my mailbox.


* not really

The "Vacation Planner"! (That would be me)!

If any of you are looking for ways to take the "relaxation" out of your next family vacation, you should probably let me plan it for you, cause I'm really good at it. It's not that I'm trying to pass the blame or anything, but I remember when I was a kid and we took family vacations my dad was the same way. He'd be cool as a cucumber from the time we left home until we arrived at our destination, all relaxed and "happy-go-lucky", but when he decided it was time to go back home it was best to just stay out of his way. I think I inherited this particular trait from him, whether I wanted it or not, on account of I'm the same way. Oh sure, we had a great time and all, what with rolling through the hills of northern Kentucky while listening to Kentucky "Bluegrass" music on the radio, while my good wife took videos and pictures of the scenery and constantly nagged me about needing to stop at a "rest area", even though we had JUST stopped at one merely two states back. West Virginia was beautiful beyond my imagination, and my son and daughter-in-law have a beautiful place high up in the hills of the "Pipestem" area which, besides offering awesome scenery, also offers a fair chance to fall several hundred feet to your death or getting eaten by black bears, or both, depending on your footing! We had a great time visiting them, and it was only the second time ever that we had met little Daniel Rany Delimont, who will turn five on September 11th. It was the first time we'd EVER seen Denton Michael or Addison Marie, on account of they've lived most of their lives in Alaska, and I refuse to fly. We had a good time with the little ones, even though little "Addi" gave me the impression that she could've easily waited a few more years to meet me! I should probably also mention that after weeks of planning this little excursion, the one thing I didn't do was consult my local "weatherman", who could have no doubt told me ahead of time that remnants from a hurricane and two tropical storms would likely arrive in West Virginia at about the same time we would, and stay even longer! In order to make up for the many things to do that we missed out on because of the constant rain, Nathan took us for a "ride" in his car through the steep, winding roads that he commutes on to work everyday, marking likely the first time I'd ever seen my good wife actually scream out in horror when her eyes were closed anyway. At least I think that's what happened, but I could be wrong! I was "doubling" up on blood pressure pills at the time, which I often do in times of great stress. In any case, we were having fun, right up to the time my "Delimont" gene kicked in on Tuesday morning, reminding me that we were a long way from home, and that we'd better get started back soon, in case we had a flat tire or something and needed a few extra days to fix it, so after Alison and I put Daniel on the school bus at the bottom of the driveway (700 ft), I decided that it was time for Kristy and I to start heading for home, but by way of Virginia and Tennessee first, on account of I'd never been to Virginia and my wife had never been to either State. So off we went, going even farther from home on our quest to get home, the good wife taking videos and still pictures, hollering something about "rest stops" and needing to "pee" while I made uncomplimentary remarks about her bladder and kept us moving. We drove nearly five hundred miles on the first day of our departure, and only ended up about an hours drive away from Nate and Ally's house. It takes considerable planning to accomplish a feat like that, and if you need help to do this, feel free to contact me! The rest of the drive home was filled with even more of the same exciting adventures.

Wife: "Ooh! The Daniel Boone National forest! Should we stop, honey"?
Me: "No dear, Daniel Boone is dead. Let's just let him rest"!

Wife: "Wow! The next tour of Mammoth cave is only four short hours away! Shall we get tickets"?
Me: "We could be in the next State in four hours, dear. We're on our way home, remember"?
Wife: "Could we at least stop at the next rest area? I have to pee"!
Me: "Didn't you just pee in Knoxville"?
Wife: "Yes, but that was over six hours ago, you inconsiderate moron"!
Me: "Well we're never going to get home if you can't control your bladder! Just sayin"!

Probably the only time my good wife got things "her way" on the entire trip was when we got back to Salina Kansas and she talked me into taking her to "PetCo" to get a lobster for her aquarium. It's not that I have all that much against lobsters, but I like them dipped in butter more than swimming around in an aquarium. I also think that most lobsters have "Liberal Democrat" ties, at least judging from the claws. If I've learned nothing else, I know that I've learned EXACTLY how to plan our next vacation, provided we ever take another one. At least together. Next time, I'm just going to pull the car up into a shady area of the driveway and shut it off and roll down the windows. I figure that me and the good wife can sit in it all day if we want to, and our house itself can substitute for the rest areas and hotel rooms. If I time it right, my wife can go to the bathroom without me ever having to let off of the gas pedal, which is pretty much the same tactic she used in West Virginia when Nathan was driving us. We could also stay in touch with friends and family by using our neighbors "blackberry", even if it IS still in the "bush" format! I think I've got a great plan going here. It would be a damn shame if nobody else used it!
Have a great week Friends! And thank you Nathan and Alison, Daniel, Denton, and Addison for inviting us into your beautiful home! Trust me! We had a blast! Love, Dad and Grandpa! Also Grandma, but she had to "pee" as I was writing this. God Bless!