If any of you are looking for ways to take the "relaxation" out of your next family vacation, you should probably let me plan it for you, cause I'm really good at it. It's not that I'm trying to pass the blame or anything, but I remember when I was a kid and we took family vacations my dad was the same way. He'd be cool as a cucumber from the time we left home until we arrived at our destination, all relaxed and "happy-go-lucky", but when he decided it was time to go back home it was best to just stay out of his way. I think I inherited this particular trait from him, whether I wanted it or not, on account of I'm the same way. Oh sure, we had a great time and all, what with rolling through the hills of northern Kentucky while listening to Kentucky "Bluegrass" music on the radio, while my good wife took videos and pictures of the scenery and constantly nagged me about needing to stop at a "rest area", even though we had JUST stopped at one merely two states back. West Virginia was beautiful beyond my imagination, and my son and daughter-in-law have a beautiful place high up in the hills of the "Pipestem" area which, besides offering awesome scenery, also offers a fair chance to fall several hundred feet to your death or getting eaten by black bears, or both, depending on your footing! We had a great time visiting them, and it was only the second time ever that we had met little Daniel Rany Delimont, who will turn five on September 11th. It was the first time we'd EVER seen Denton Michael or Addison Marie, on account of they've lived most of their lives in Alaska, and I refuse to fly. We had a good time with the little ones, even though little "Addi" gave me the impression that she could've easily waited a few more years to meet me! I should probably also mention that after weeks of planning this little excursion, the one thing I didn't do was consult my local "weatherman", who could have no doubt told me ahead of time that remnants from a hurricane and two tropical storms would likely arrive in West Virginia at about the same time we would, and stay even longer! In order to make up for the many things to do that we missed out on because of the constant rain, Nathan took us for a "ride" in his car through the steep, winding roads that he commutes on to work everyday, marking likely the first time I'd ever seen my good wife actually scream out in horror when her eyes were closed anyway. At least I think that's what happened, but I could be wrong! I was "doubling" up on blood pressure pills at the time, which I often do in times of great stress. In any case, we were having fun, right up to the time my "Delimont" gene kicked in on Tuesday morning, reminding me that we were a long way from home, and that we'd better get started back soon, in case we had a flat tire or something and needed a few extra days to fix it, so after Alison and I put Daniel on the school bus at the bottom of the driveway (700 ft), I decided that it was time for Kristy and I to start heading for home, but by way of Virginia and Tennessee first, on account of I'd never been to Virginia and my wife had never been to either State. So off we went, going even farther from home on our quest to get home, the good wife taking videos and still pictures, hollering something about "rest stops" and needing to "pee" while I made uncomplimentary remarks about her bladder and kept us moving. We drove nearly five hundred miles on the first day of our departure, and only ended up about an hours drive away from Nate and Ally's house. It takes considerable planning to accomplish a feat like that, and if you need help to do this, feel free to contact me! The rest of the drive home was filled with even more of the same exciting adventures.
Wife: "Ooh! The Daniel Boone National forest! Should we stop, honey"?
Me: "No dear, Daniel Boone is dead. Let's just let him rest"!
Wife: "Wow! The next tour of Mammoth cave is only four short hours away! Shall we get tickets"?
Me: "We could be in the next State in four hours, dear. We're on our way home, remember"?
Wife: "Could we at least stop at the next rest area? I have to pee"!
Me: "Didn't you just pee in Knoxville"?
Wife: "Yes, but that was over six hours ago, you inconsiderate moron"!
Me: "Well we're never going to get home if you can't control your bladder! Just sayin"!
Probably the only time my good wife got things "her way" on the entire trip was when we got back to Salina Kansas and she talked me into taking her to "PetCo" to get a lobster for her aquarium. It's not that I have all that much against lobsters, but I like them dipped in butter more than swimming around in an aquarium. I also think that most lobsters have "Liberal Democrat" ties, at least judging from the claws. If I've learned nothing else, I know that I've learned EXACTLY how to plan our next vacation, provided we ever take another one. At least together. Next time, I'm just going to pull the car up into a shady area of the driveway and shut it off and roll down the windows. I figure that me and the good wife can sit in it all day if we want to, and our house itself can substitute for the rest areas and hotel rooms. If I time it right, my wife can go to the bathroom without me ever having to let off of the gas pedal, which is pretty much the same tactic she used in West Virginia when Nathan was driving us. We could also stay in touch with friends and family by using our neighbors "blackberry", even if it IS still in the "bush" format! I think I've got a great plan going here. It would be a damn shame if nobody else used it!
Have a great week Friends! And thank you Nathan and Alison, Daniel, Denton, and Addison for inviting us into your beautiful home! Trust me! We had a blast! Love, Dad and Grandpa! Also Grandma, but she had to "pee" as I was writing this. God Bless!
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