Toasters, ceiling fans, and technology?

Okay, Okay! Alright already! It IS 2011, and there are several things in the world of technology that, (even though I hate), I will have to start getting used to, cause it doesn't look like they're going away any time soon. I realize that most people are quick to embrace most any new technology, especially when it comes to communications and such, but I'm still lagging far behind the herd in this particular area. Telephone answering machines have been around for many years now, plus everybody has "voice-mail" on their telephones, as if they're worried about missing an important call containing information as to the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden, or that "Pizza Hut" may have had some last minute questions about your carry-out order of spicy "buffalo" wings and is urgently trying to contact you, but anyway, my point is that we should all be used to these things by now! Unfortunately, that is still not the case for me. Long after the rest of the world has gotten used to talking to message-taking machines, I still find myself more than likely to just hang up if I don't get a "real" person on the other end of my phone conversations. Of course, I'm not stupid! I recognize this as possibly some sort of minor "neurosis", and as a sort of "self-help" therapy, have been trying to cure myself by talking to the various machines around the house that I really feel comfortable with, such as the toaster, and the ceiling fan in the family room. The problem with this is that when my good wife Kristy actually SEES me doing this, she immediately develops a "concerned" look on her face and tends to drag on and on about trivial things, such as my drinking. I'm guessing that Kristy isn't a big believer in the whole "self-help" therapy process, but that's just me. Another thing I just don't understand is all this "texting" crap! Seriously, if you don't have time to actually talk to someone on the phone, then how in the world do you have time to send a text message? I do realize that texting is probably extremely important to our youth in the classrooms, who may not be able to have outright phone conversations during Biology class, and without texting would most likely be forced to listen to their teacher drone on and on about the sexual tendencies of earth worms, and the fact that by not having any real ability to "see" their sex partner helps tremendously in the whole "reproduction" process, so I would have to agree that texting is as much a part of our schools as is the "backpack", no.2 pencils, and the condom dispenser at the end of the hall. (Trust me, this is the absolute REAL truth in some states)! Luckily for all of us older people, our school-agers also have cameras in their cell phones, which gives them the ability to take pictures of things that they shouldn't be taking pictures of anyway and send them to students who are stuck smack in the middle of an algebra test, and were desperately needing something to help them to take their minds off their work, as well as reduce the chances that they would someday get into a "respectable" college, which I think is a GOOD thing, as we Americans are just way too damned far ahead of the rest of the world already, and should probably "lay back" and let the rest of them catch up! I think it's funny how we all pretend to show great concern for our children and grandchildren and their futures, as well as the future of this great country, the Greatest country on earth, yet continue to let Washington Liberals tell us how to raise our young. I think, that at least here in Kansas and the larger portion of the mid-west, we should probably continue to raise our young the same way we have for over two hundred years. They all seem to come out okay! If any of you should happen to need my advice on this, you can find me in the kitchen. I'll be talking to the toaster. The ceiling fan in the family room is just a tad too "liberal" for me. Have a great week friends! Rany loves you, and may the good Lord bless and keep YOU!

AAAH! Wisconsin! Home of the Packers and #*/>*?

If you're like me, (which nobody ever really is), you're probably extremely concerned about the recent events going on in Wisconsin, which is also known as "The Dairy State", meaning that this is where a good portion of our chocolate ice cream is born, as well a fair amount of cheese. But before you panic, I want to reassure you that the cows are all okay, and reportedly still showing up for duty at their barns twice a day, and in some cases three times a day, and you should still be able to indulge in your morning glass of milk and feed your newborn babies on your regular schedule, at least assuming that the dairy workers are not yet "Unionized", in which case you may have a problem, but it won't be nearly as big as the Wisconsin cows would have. Apparently, some of the residents of Wisconsin have already grown weary of basking in the warm glow of the "Packers" recent super bowl win and have decided to get on television themselves, if for no other reason than to show the rest of the world how stupid and shamefully selfish they are. The way I see it, the larger percentage of Wisconsin voters, knowing that their state had a looming bankruptcy overhead, voted in a man (Scott Walker) whom they thought could fix the problem last November, using the same sort of logic that reminds most of us to shut the faucet off when the bathtub gets full. Scott of course, went diligently to work on Wisconsin's monetary problems almost immediately, and promised to be a true "leader" in a state (and country) which otherwise lacks useful leadership. One of the more ridiculous things he's recently done is to try to get the "unionized" workers to pay for at least a small portion of their own health insurance and retirement, you know, like all the rest of us have to do! This turned out to be a widely unpopular decision for the people who were happy just letting the ordinary, "private-sector" taxpayers pay their way for them. Apparently, these types of "Liberals" were all for doing anything they could to keep their state out of bankruptcy, as long as there were to be no concessions on their own part. Hmmm! I'll have to look it up later, but I'm not really sure that it works that way. In the meantime, these poor Liberals took to the streets in front of the Capital in Madison and protested until they were just plum sick, or at least it would seem that way, what with all the doctors standing around handing out "sick" notes. I never really saw any of them checking anybody's blood pressure or handing out any pharmaceutical drugs though, but I suppose that should be a testament as to how good the doctors in Wisconsin are, curing folks with just a pen and paper. Sometimes the medical profession just amazes me. In the meantime teachers, (setting a good example), let their students out of school for the week to protest too, even though there may have been a small "rogue" group of them that didn't have a clue what they were supposed to be protesting. Perhaps they would have been better educated if they spent more time in the classroom, but who knows? It also seems that all the leadership on the "Democrat" side of things, in a true showing of "courage" and "candor", fled to Illinois in an attempt to "make it all go away", while holding their fingers in their ears and shouting "Nan a nan a na na, I can't HEAR you"! I can't say enough how I feel about liberal democrats, what with their high levels of morals and ethics, and just plain old common sense. I really can't say enough about how I feel towards them. I feel so sorry for President O'Bama too! Imagine how HE feels, what with just recently kicking off his big "Civility" campaign! Gosh dang it! He must be really upset that the only time there seems to be any sort of civil unrest in America on the nightly news it's a dang Republicans fault, and I'm almost POSITIVE that he's working hard to convince the main-stream media to treat Republicans and Democrats equally, right? As far as I'm concerned, it's ironic that all this should happen in the dairy state of Wisconsin, because I have a fair amount of experience with dairy farms and it reminds me of how differently certain breeds of cattle can be, kind of like politics in a way. For example, a "Holstein" (Greek word meaning Conservative Republican, good-natured, and dependable), will willingly come to the milk barn at milking time without putting up a fuss at all because she has done this exact same thing for years already and she realizes that it is basically her job, and that people depend on her. By contrast, the "Jersey" (Greek word meaning "Democrat, hasn't got a clue") cow, generally has to be herded into the barn twice a day and threatened with rapid small arms fire. Even though she too has performed this very same act for a few years now, it will appear as though she's suddenly taken aback and unsure of herself upon each entry. I think that the best way for future President Scott Walker (I hope) to straighten out the state of Wisconsin would be to get rid of all the brownish-colored (Jersey) dairy cattle and encourage dairy farmers to only own the black and white Holsteins. Maybe he could offer them some tax incentives as well, and then they could hire some of the teachers and doctors who SHOULD be losing their jobs to be milkers. At least that's what I think, but then again, I'm just bitter. Have a great week Friends, and if you happen to be a Democrat and are wanting to contact your particular representative you will probably have to wait until (this is true) they finish their conference with Sesame Streets "Big Bird" and other characters, but don't be dis-heartened, as Sesame Street has long been a type of Democratic "stronghold" wherein Democrats go in times of crisis. It's probably much easier than dealing with" real" people, who tend to sometimes have "real" issues. See you next Sunday, and remember: Save your bullets and your green beans!

"Sweet Dreams"

Just to prove to you faithful readers of this column out there in computer land that my brain has no more ability to process useful information on any given Sunday morning than a package of ramen noodles, today's story will be about "dreams". No, not the "American Dream", in which one can start out sweeping floors and washing dishes in the family tavern and work your way up to the position of "Speaker of the House", giving you the opportunity to cry on national television to a world-wide audience. What I'm talking about here are just the plain old dreams that we have in our sleep each night, at least I hope it's "we", cause if I find out that I'm the only one who's having them I'm going to stop sleeping altogether. My question is;" Why do we have dreams"? And; "Why do we always wake up just before something really good or really bad happens"? And of course; "Do hideous giant mutant grasshoppers from another galaxy play "Trivial Pursuit" on top of the local grain elevator at night, or does it just look that way from MY house"? I think we should start a government-run program to decipher our dreams, unless we've already got one! We could fund this program through tax dollars of course, and hire only the very best psychiatrists to evaluate what goes on in our brains when we are trying to relax and unwind each evening! Seriously! This is a major issue that needs to be confronted as soon as possible, and like you,(I'm sure), I would only feel comfortable if the government was placed in charge of the basic research, mostly because they've done such a great job in other areas, such as social security, medi-care, and the postal system. What evil element tucked away in our brains causes us to have a dream of high "sexual content" wherein we are just about to (at long last) gain carnal knowledge of say, Carrie Underwood, (totally made-up name), only to be rudely awakened at the most crucial part of the dream by something more closely related to reality, such as an alarm clock, family dog, spouse, or (God forbid), the neighbors Billy-goat that you thought would enjoy spending the night in your house watching television rather than be outside in the pouring rain, which he had been for several hours before you made this decision, and yes, you were drinking heavily! But what about the bad dreams? You know, the "nightmares"? My good wife Kristy tells me that she can't count the number of times I've thrown her off the bed and covered her up to protect her from huge scary monsters and enemy soldiers, but she does admit that she's getting tired of trying. It gets a tad embarrassing to tell you the truth! It's like, "Are you SERIOUS"? "You honestly didn't SEE that gigantic spider with a compound bow and tactical nuclear arrows crawling across our ceiling"? I think that after all these years together she's finally starting to appreciate the "protection" I give her at nights, even though she never readily admits to seeing the hidden dangers that I protect her from, but she has taken to leaving a "Louisville Slugger" baseball bat and a can of pepper spray within her reach at night, so that's a good sign. But what about the dreams where you're standing on the railroad tracks in front of an oncoming train for some un-godly reason, and suddenly realize that you've become paralyzed from the waist down and are unable to move out of the way? If you're like me, you're probably wondering not only why you suddenly became paralyzed in the middle of such a maneuver as crossing the tracks rather than in your recliner in front of the television, as well as why there's an oncoming train getting ready to hit you on a track that's been closed for twenty years. I also notice that the engineer always looks rather shocked too, and will most likely need several months of intense government run therapy if he actually hits me some night. Anyway, I think we should all contact our elected officials immediately after reading this and get a nationwide attempt to ban this column permanently! Wait! That's not what I meant to say! Ha Ha! We should contact our elected officials immediately to generate a government run program to ban all dreams that don't end up with gaining at least some type of carnal knowledge of Carrie Underwood! Please remember that this is only a "humor" column! Right honey? Sweetheart? Babydoll? Snookums? Does this mean that you want to play baseball? Until next Sunday, sweet dreams, friends!

Thanks a bunch, Mr. Valentine!

Crap! Valentines day is coming up soon! What a ridiculous excuse for a holiday, at least if you're over the age of seven. Sure, it was fun back then because your only "financial" obligations were generally paid for by your parents and usually came in the form of those little heart-shaped candies that had intelligent messages on them, such as "Be mine" or "Kiss me". I suppose I should clarify that these messages were found on all the other kids' heart-shaped candies, but not so much mine. The girls that gave ME the little candies seemed to have special ordered them from a store which was also obviously in the "mud-flap" business, cause my messages tended to be things like "Back off", "Fear this", and "Kiss my ass"! I'm just happy that I was able to overcome the trauma of this and go on to lead a "normal" life, with a limited number of trips to the nuthouse. I would also like to report that the nightmares and cold sweats are starting to dwindle as well. So who was this "Saint Valentine" dude who took upon himself to try to force future generations of men to be "romantic" to their wives or girlfriends (or in some cases both) for one day out of each calendar year? I wonder if even HE started to have regrets once this holiday strayed off of the beaten path of dime-store candy into a day where a dozen roses and a box of chocolates are expected, followed by taking your spouse out for an evening of dining and entertainment at one of the "higher-end" restaurants, such as McDonald's? I also believe that we men here in the mid-west states have it considerably easier than say some of our counter-parts in places like New York, Los Angeles, and Fargo, where the women are sure to spend thousands of dollars on some type of "sexy" outfit from a "Victoria's Secret" catalog, only to find out that it is easily ruined when being removed under "normal conditions" by their spouses teeth. Don't get me wrong! I'm not the slightest bit against romance! I just don't think it should be "expected" of you on a particular day of the year, and should be more of a "random" thing that happens to you between the ages of fourteen and thirty seven, when you're at the "top" of your game as well as under the impression that you know everything! Once you reach the age of forty nine (like me), you'll find that you really DO know everything, with the exception of why anybody would EVER include a "chocolate- covered" cherry in a box of chocolates, because it's just plain disgusting. I also can't seem to figure out how my magic "De-coder" ring that I got in a box of Cracker-Jacks in the early seventies works, but I can assure you that I'm getting very close! As a matter of fact, when you get to be my age you'll learn that almost any significant "bedtime" maneuver such as reaching your arm over your wife in the middle of the night is not so much a hidden agenda of sexual advance as it is an attempt to get your blankets back. Just teasing, of course! Even at 49 years old there is nobody I love more than my wife Kristy. I'm just hoping that my teeth aren't "jagged"! Have a great week Friends, and if you happen to be married to me know that I love you, and am basically "crazy" for you!