A totally "un-biased" childrens guide to politics.

Once upon a time in a land not so far away, a ship carrying large amounts of Europeans crashed onto the shore of a basically uninhabited land, forcing the survivors to remain in this new land indefinitely, as their ship was basically "totaled", and "Carnival Cruise Lines" wasn't scheduled to be in operation for at least another two hundred years! Armed with this knowledge, the people branched out all over the land, learning how to grow crops and hunt animals for food, and how to build things from raw materials such as rock and mud and trees. Many of these people thrived from their hard work, acquiring huge amounts of land to grow their crops on, but unfortunately there were equal amounts people who chose to do very little for themselves, and spent most of their time smoking "doobies" and listening to old Beetle's albums on their I-pod's, which caused a certain amount of dissent among the population, forcing them to eventually create a "government" with which to SERVE everyone "fairly". In order to form this governing body, the people knew that they would have to have some of the sharpest minds among them write up some sort of "Constitution", which would not only give everyone an equal opportunity for a successful life, but also become widely ignored by future generations of politicians. It was finally decided that a young man named Ben would do most of the writing for the Constitution because not only was he intelligent, but he only had to put in a forty hour week at the post office anyway, and therefore had more spare time than many of the others! It is also widely believed that when Ben wrote the Constitution he was listening to "Rush Limbaugh" on his I-Pod! Several years went by wherein most of the people basically got along with each other pretty well but didn't always agree on everything, forcing the country into a "two-party" system. The people who worked very hard to build up wealth for themselves and their families decided to call themselves "Republicans", and chose the elephant as their political symbol, as the elephant was the biggest, strongest animal known to man at the time and reflected well on their work ethic. The people who didn't work very hard, and often times showed no more signs of ambition than a frozen beef patty, decided to call themselves "Democrats", and chose a jackass as their symbol of recognition, which I think is also very reflective of their ethics, or whatever! Using the two-party system appeared to give everyone a "voice" on all matters handled by the government, (which were very few back then), with people from both parties having somebody to represent their particular beliefs! This system is apparently no longer in use today, being replace by the more "modern" system of "I'm the Politician, and we'll do things my way"! For a few more decades, the Republicans continued working hard and amassing large amounts of personal wealth, stopping only briefly from time to time to fight a war and make their country and economy stronger. The Democrats would always help in the war efforts, but aside from that basically spent their time ensuring that new laws would be made in which any Republican who had amassed " enough" money would be forced to share it with the Democrats. The Democrats seemed to always be giving money away to people who didn't really deserve it, but that's ok, because it wasn't really their money anyway! In time however, the Democrats had managed to give away more money than their country had, and ended up borrowing money from foreign countries, such as China and Chad, (of course I know), which basically gave the "title" of their own country to that of a foreign nation! As if that wasn't enough, they also made a laughing stock out of their own Military in a way which I will not go into detail here. Yes kids, the Democrats have a whole slew of accomplishments to be given credit for, among them are taking Jesus out of schools and anywhere else that a foreign killer may be offended by His presence, paying people who are ABLE to work NOT to work, which forces a society of people to rely on government programs for their very existence, and how about giving civilian court trials to known terrorists who seem to have not much better to do than to try to kill their own citizens? What about allowing protesters from a so called "church" protest at funerals of their fallen hero's, paying no attention to the rights of the grieving families? Eventually, the country became so divided that it made no difference who they voted for anymore, Republican or Democrat, they all were seemingly in politics for their own personal gain. The people knew deep inside of their heart's that it was too late to save their beloved country, at least by measures as civil as voting. For a time they thought about fighting back against the monster that had became their master, but unfortunately they were un-armed due to a recent vote against their second amendment right to keep and bear arms by people who were concerned about the safety of their country and their personal way of life. At this time the people decided that maybe they should just share a cigarette and a few beers together and decide what to do about their out of control government, but then sadly remembered that both smoking and drinking had also been "outlawed" by the voters who were much better people than they were. Eventually, the Chinese took over the country, treating everybody that they didn't kill outright equally, giving them all the same portion of rice to eat each and every day on the dirt floor in a community tent, but only after their sixteen hours a day of forced labor was over! Finally things were coming together for the Democrats! Everybody was being treated the same, eating the same healthy foods and working the same long hours, even though many of them were surprised to find that even the wealth that they had built was not enough to get them "special" treatment from the Chinese. Sure, they tried, but apparently the Chinese had little respect for people that would sell out their own country to others for personal advancement. Sometimes I think it's strange that some countries still have systems in place which reward "honor" rather than preaching about such farces as "Global warming" and a "carbon footprint". In any case, this is how this great "fictional" nation fell from being the most respected "super-power" of the world into a state of slavery and welfare! Sounds fun doesn't it kids? I'm damn glad that it wasn't the "United" States of America that I was writing this story about, but it WILL be someday if we continue to let our elected officials blatantly ignore our wishes! We are truly living in a "police state" right now, wherein citizens of our country are given the choice to be either fondled or have nude pictures taken of them before boarding an airplane by a TSA employee! To all of you friends out there who are reasonably close to my age, I want you to remember that our fathers and grand-fathers never had this problem! They wouldn't have put up with this problem. They wouldn't have put up with many of the problems that we now face. Knowing that we have the tutoring of some of the best parents in the world, why do we? Have a great weekend friends, and know that I love you all.

"Yay"! (Even more welfare)

Do you ever just sit back and ponder the changes in America that have taken place just since you were a kid, or am I in this alone? Many of the changes have been good, at least as far as I'm concerned, such as "power steering", "fuel injection", and not having to trudge outside of the house at four o'clock in the morning in December to "do your business" in an out-house. I think (at least for me) that it's some of the OTHER changes that get me stirred up on occasion, such as government programs that reach out to the "under-privileged" members of our society ensuring them that they will never have to work for a living due to an unfair affliction that was handed them at birth, such as a pimple. Is this really fair? Why do the rest of us have to give a portion of our earnings to people who are just generally too lazy to work? "Maybe we're not all afforded the same opportunities", I think to myself, but then I'm reminded of a conversation I had with a good friend (David Devine) about a year ago, during which he assured me that each and every one of us have the opportunity to do about whatever we want to with our lives, no matter your background, it just takes ambition. I believe in what Dave says, and not only did he build his own company, he also won the right to pay the bar tab if we ever meet again! Just joking, Dave, which I will illustrate here by inserting several "Ha ha's" into this story! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Seriously, friends, were any of you raised by a family that didn't work for a living? Probably not! Is our government attempting to breed a group of citizens who will do nothing other than depend on it for existence? Probably! For me, it makes it kind of hard to imagine that this is what our parent's and grandparent's wanted for us, especially after surviving the "Dust bowl" in the thirties and wearing clothes made of flour sacks. In their spare time, our grandparents managed to save the world from evil tyrants in World War II. I'm thinking that we have few people left that would do that. At what point in our lives do we decide that a decent living is "owed" to us by GOD and country, regardless of our work ethic? At what age (short of retirement), do we become fixated on what our government can do for us, rather than what we can do for ourselves? Do we no longer have the pride in ourselves necessary to pave our own way, or do we simply lack ambition? Have so many of us actually came to the conclusion that we have enough already, and feel no real need to "push harder" in life? Maybe the efforts of our service men and women are all in vain! Maybe we figure that our grandchildren won't need many of the rights that we now have, and that a whole slew of people died for, and will willingly let them go. Maybe our founding fathers are rolling over in their graves in an attempt to get out and show us all how to live and preserve the way of life that they secured for us! Maybe we just don't have enough faith in GOD, or just don't follow the teachings of the Bible closely enough! Maybe I have too little faith in my fellow man, especially the ones who chant about "hope and change". Maybe I shouldn't care about the country anymore, but I fought for it, and my sons did too! Maybe I shouldn't write this weekly column, but I do. It's still America friends, and we should all remember where we came from and try our best to leave a great country for our children and grandchildren! We should also be grateful that this will be my last post for a while. Goodnight Friends, and please go to work. Grandpa Guy would be proud of you if you did.

A "Modern" Christmas story. (Peace-out, dude)!

It's Christmas again, which is the time of the year that even though all of our radio stations are playing songs about "Peace" and "Brotherly love", we are far too busy fighting for a good parking space at Walmart to really get the message anyway. I spend alot of time at the Walmart in Hays, (sometimes as much as three hours per calendar year), and if I've noticed anything it's been that it doesn't really matter WHAT season it is, Walmart will always be busy! I've generally always thought that a good reason to not go "inside" of the store would be to assess what was going on "outside" of the store, which is total chaos! Even though there are hundreds (if not thousands) of parking spaces available just a scant few hundred feet away from the front doors, it turns out that in America, almost everyone is handicapped in one way or another, and requires a parking space extremely close to the front doors, leaving them with no other choice than to continue circling the parking lot (sometimes for hours) waiting for that special space. A lot of the shoppers leaving the store to return to their cars are followed by these types, who tend to keep their front bumper only a few inches behind the walker, giving the other patrons the impression that this particular shopper is probably armed and dangerous, and may be requiring a "running over" with very little notice. When I look for a parking space, I generally use the same method as Chevy Chase did in the movie "Family Vacation" when he parked several thousand feet away from the front entrance to Wally world, even though the parking lot was void of other autos. Finally, after a brisk and somewhat hair-raising walk through traffic, we can enter the store, giving us the opportunity to promote peace and goodwill to the other shoppers by glaring viciously at them for stopping their cart right in front of something you want to look at. You know the kind. They just stand there smiling at you, giving you the impression that they only had enough functional brain activity to get their shopping cart to that particular spot before it expired completely, leaving them with no other choice but to stand there with a stupid look on their face, as if they were waiting on a bus. I notice that the other husbands who have been forced against their will to go Christmas shopping tend to lumber slowly around the store looking confused, while the wives are shopping at speeds which cannot even be recorded with current models of radar, and with the same "fiery" eyes often seen in movies produced by Stephen King. When one of us guys is studying a particular toy for a child or grandchild, it can be extremely hard for a passer-by to tell if we're contemplating the actual horsepower produced at the wheels of a remote control toy truck or if we're seriously close to solving some horrible crime that had perhaps been featured on "Unsolved Mysterious" the night before. The truth is (for me at least), we're trying to remember the grandchild's personal information, such as name and age, and in some extreme cases, geographical location. The wives already know all this stuff, which makes shopping for the small children considerably easier for them, giving them ample time to yell out "Merry Christmas" to total strangers as they skid by them with the wheels of their cart producing actual smoke trails. I'm not so much for spreading "Good Will", especially to some of the types I encounter in Walmart, but I do tend to watch them closely. Especially the ones who have earrings plastered at approximate one inch spacings all over their head, making their face look as if it were actually a miniature mine field, or perhaps a small metropolitan area for their head lice to dwell in. I realize that it is the Christmas season, but I would like to think that barely any of the three wise men dressed in this fashion. Now that you've successfully managed to fill your cart with toys and such, it's time to contact your wife (via cell phone) and inform her that it's time to meet at checkstand number 21, where you will not exactly be frisked in the manner that a TSA agent would do to you if you were actually considering boarding a plane, but the checker WILL fondle and abuse your wallet, leaving it feeling empty, and perhaps lacking self-esteem. All that's left now is to maneuver yourself and your purchases back through the parking lot to your car, keeping in mind that there will be a line of cars directly behind you, prepared to run you over should you fall. IF you make it safely to your car, you now only have to get yourselves back onto a major highway, in which case if you're not sure of the proper direction to go, other Holiday travelers will be more than happy to encourage you along, using their car horns and many sweeping arm and hand gestures! I'm not REALLY a Grinch, but I am glad that this part of the season is over until next year. I'm also happy that in case mankind ever seems desperately lost, we can all find hope and direction using the same technology that the three wise men used to find Jesus, which I believe was "On-Star", or at least something close to that. Have a great week, friends!

It just ain't funny anymore!

Unfortunately, there is not one single "iota" of humor bouncing around in the empty confines of my head this morning, and once again, it's due to "politics". I really don't believe that what America needs now is for the Republicans and Democrats to get along with each other and try to find some middle ground. I don't believe that the Republicans should have to "compromise" with the Democrats in any way at all, especially the LIBERAL Democrats, which have over time proven that they have about the same IQ scores that could be expected from any randomly selected bag of potato chips. Don't take me the wrong way! I LIKE potato chips! They have a useful purpose in life, unlike liberal Democrats. I think that instead of trying to compromise (or even understand) the liberals, we should just round them up and ship them all (parcel post) to some far away foreign country, such as Algeria, Nigeria, or California. Basically anywhere that ends with "ia", excluding Pennsylvania and both Virginia's. "That sounds a little harsh" some of you are thinking, but I assure you that it's a much more "humane" punishment than my original plan, which was to repeatedly kick Nancy Pelosi in the testicles. Recently, the libs have come to the absolutely brilliant conclusion that the economy will grow and jobs will be created as long as the unemployment benefits for people who have been abusing the system since O'Bama was elected are allowed to be extended. Incredible! Who but a Liberal Democrat could have ever thought that jobs could be created by paying people NOT to work? Pelosi, who obviously gets her orders via satellite transmissions from her home planet of Zork, also says that people who receive unemployment benefits really help the Nation's overall economy by putting the money "back into the system" every time they shop. "It would ruin Christmas for about two million Americans" is what the libs are touting, along with the help of the state-owned media, about the threat of the Republicans threatening to let unemployment benefits expire in two weeks. Seriously? Christmas? You "panty-waste" liberals haven't called it "Christmas" for years now, and have all but made it illegal for any of us to do so! Now that it's part of your agenda to destroy the world's greatest nation through bankruptcy, it's ok to call it what it is, giving that extra little tug at the heartstrings of the good people who are struggling to keep the rest of us working. I guarantee you that if the Republicans "cave" and extend benefits before Christmas, it will quickly go back to being called the "holidays" again, so as not to offend anybody that shouldn't be here anyway! Where does it end? O'Bamacare, offshore drilling halted (but only for us, the U.S.) , over-taxing businesses and corporations to the point that they HAVE to move their companies overseas in order to make a profit, and paying able-bodied men to NOT work! When you put all of this together it sounds like a recipe to destroy a country, rather than to help the needy (which often have about the same amount of ambition as a frozen bagel)! I hope that things change for the better after the first of the year, when many of the people we voted in assume control! If not, I'll still be here bitching. I'm tired of the constant fighting it seems we have to do anymore to keep our government aware of who they work for! I think that my life would be alot easier if I just refused to concern myself with political activity altogether, but then I remind myself that I'm not really living my life for myself anymore, but more for a group of "hoodlums" with a combined weight of less than a "miniature" pony, all of which call me "Grandpa"! Have a Great day, Friends!