A "Modern" Christmas story. (Peace-out, dude)!

It's Christmas again, which is the time of the year that even though all of our radio stations are playing songs about "Peace" and "Brotherly love", we are far too busy fighting for a good parking space at Walmart to really get the message anyway. I spend alot of time at the Walmart in Hays, (sometimes as much as three hours per calendar year), and if I've noticed anything it's been that it doesn't really matter WHAT season it is, Walmart will always be busy! I've generally always thought that a good reason to not go "inside" of the store would be to assess what was going on "outside" of the store, which is total chaos! Even though there are hundreds (if not thousands) of parking spaces available just a scant few hundred feet away from the front doors, it turns out that in America, almost everyone is handicapped in one way or another, and requires a parking space extremely close to the front doors, leaving them with no other choice than to continue circling the parking lot (sometimes for hours) waiting for that special space. A lot of the shoppers leaving the store to return to their cars are followed by these types, who tend to keep their front bumper only a few inches behind the walker, giving the other patrons the impression that this particular shopper is probably armed and dangerous, and may be requiring a "running over" with very little notice. When I look for a parking space, I generally use the same method as Chevy Chase did in the movie "Family Vacation" when he parked several thousand feet away from the front entrance to Wally world, even though the parking lot was void of other autos. Finally, after a brisk and somewhat hair-raising walk through traffic, we can enter the store, giving us the opportunity to promote peace and goodwill to the other shoppers by glaring viciously at them for stopping their cart right in front of something you want to look at. You know the kind. They just stand there smiling at you, giving you the impression that they only had enough functional brain activity to get their shopping cart to that particular spot before it expired completely, leaving them with no other choice but to stand there with a stupid look on their face, as if they were waiting on a bus. I notice that the other husbands who have been forced against their will to go Christmas shopping tend to lumber slowly around the store looking confused, while the wives are shopping at speeds which cannot even be recorded with current models of radar, and with the same "fiery" eyes often seen in movies produced by Stephen King. When one of us guys is studying a particular toy for a child or grandchild, it can be extremely hard for a passer-by to tell if we're contemplating the actual horsepower produced at the wheels of a remote control toy truck or if we're seriously close to solving some horrible crime that had perhaps been featured on "Unsolved Mysterious" the night before. The truth is (for me at least), we're trying to remember the grandchild's personal information, such as name and age, and in some extreme cases, geographical location. The wives already know all this stuff, which makes shopping for the small children considerably easier for them, giving them ample time to yell out "Merry Christmas" to total strangers as they skid by them with the wheels of their cart producing actual smoke trails. I'm not so much for spreading "Good Will", especially to some of the types I encounter in Walmart, but I do tend to watch them closely. Especially the ones who have earrings plastered at approximate one inch spacings all over their head, making their face look as if it were actually a miniature mine field, or perhaps a small metropolitan area for their head lice to dwell in. I realize that it is the Christmas season, but I would like to think that barely any of the three wise men dressed in this fashion. Now that you've successfully managed to fill your cart with toys and such, it's time to contact your wife (via cell phone) and inform her that it's time to meet at checkstand number 21, where you will not exactly be frisked in the manner that a TSA agent would do to you if you were actually considering boarding a plane, but the checker WILL fondle and abuse your wallet, leaving it feeling empty, and perhaps lacking self-esteem. All that's left now is to maneuver yourself and your purchases back through the parking lot to your car, keeping in mind that there will be a line of cars directly behind you, prepared to run you over should you fall. IF you make it safely to your car, you now only have to get yourselves back onto a major highway, in which case if you're not sure of the proper direction to go, other Holiday travelers will be more than happy to encourage you along, using their car horns and many sweeping arm and hand gestures! I'm not REALLY a Grinch, but I am glad that this part of the season is over until next year. I'm also happy that in case mankind ever seems desperately lost, we can all find hope and direction using the same technology that the three wise men used to find Jesus, which I believe was "On-Star", or at least something close to that. Have a great week, friends!