A Halloween special! (Just for kids)

OK kids, you're all set up for a great night of "trick or treating" right? You've already gotten the safety lecture from your moms and dads, you're carrying a flashlight, wearing a pair of sneakers that 'flash' every time you take a step, and your costume is most likely more "angelic" than it is "scary"! You have a pre-planned route that (with the aid of your parents), you must stick to rigidly, and that's if your even lucky enough to be able to go by yourselves, without them idling slowly down the street behind you in the family Suburban, watching your every move in the same way as a barn owl searches for prey. Sounds like fun, huh? I didn't think so, at least not for the more "daring" among you! It's not that your parents don't want you to have fun on Halloween, it's just that your parents don't want you to have FUN on Halloween, like they did when they were young, when "trick-or-treat" was more of an outright threat than a mere request for a miniature snickers bar. Fortunately for you, ( the younger generation), I'm here with my weekly column chock full of helpful hints, (at the very least, my column is chock full of SOMETHING)! If you want to be able to go trick or treating without the same amount of supervision commonly seen by inmates in a maximum security prison, the first thing you need to do is form a trusting bond with your parents, showing them that you are indeed capable of making intelligent decisions on your own, and that you're mature and responsible clear up to the point where you're actually worried about THEM being out on such a night as Halloween, while reminding them that Suburbans tend to use a lot of gas, and that it's not good to let an engine idle for so long. Hopefully, you've been engaged in proving your trustworthiness for the last few weeks at minimum, otherwise it may be too late to gain their trust this close to the actual event, and you will then have to employ the same tactic Bill Clinton used frequently during his Presidency, which is "lying your ass off"! However you earn the right to go out with your friends is totally up to you! I don't want to meddle, by any means! Next, we need to get rid of the sneakers that blink with every step, as if they're equipped with a GPS device and radar detector. If you have no other sneakers, I would suggest that you duct tape over the lights on the ones you have. Remember kid's, if they can see your sneakers, they can see YOU, and no "serious minded" mischief maker wishes to be seen! Now it's time to get rid of those "mamby-pamby" costumes and go for something a little bit more realistic, such as camouflage trousers and a bandana, giving you that "Rambo" look. (Note: if you do choose the Rambo look, be sure to carry a REAL machete rather than a cheap plastic one, and if you wave it around wildly, as if you were recently chosen to play the part of the villain in the next "Jackie Chan" movie, I can almost assure you that you will get special treatment, at least from your local law enforcement)! Whatever costume you decide to go with, just try to remember to keep it dark, and have plenty of storage space for such crucial items as eggs, toilet paper, and bottle rockets. Now that I've armed you with the basic tips for a successful Halloween outing, the rest is entirely up to you! Good luck finding a stock tank that isn't chained down though, or an out-house to tip over. You could always smash pumpkins out in the street, but that's about as lame as "bobbing for apples", though not as disgusting. Well, have fun, sort of. On second thought, maybe you should just stick with wearing the bright colors and collecting candy, and as a side-note, you should probably NEVER lie to your parent's either, (unless it's about a machete) ! Have a great day!