"Tips" on making your job more tolerable! (and what to expect)!

Once again, in an effort to keep all of my readers "informed" on the ways of life here in the United States, I've taken the time (about an hour) to write yet another helpful "blog", and I dedicate this particular blog to all of you people out there that are, sadly, just like me, (at least in the sense of having an old, broken down body and wanting badly to "retire" from your job, but instead are forced to work with " turbo-charged" youngsters half your age who apparently never need to rest). I've made a list of job "tips" just for you, and although they may appear at first to only apply to male "blue-collar" workers, others of you may recognize some of the same "symptoms" at your "white-collar" jobs. #1 (Looking Ambitious) : Even though this sounds like something your boss would want, it rarely turns out to be a good thing for you, the employee! My advice is to only use this particular technique twice, (once during the actual job interview, and then again on your first day at work) , any more than that, and you are likely to "set a pace" for yourself that you know full well you won't be able to keep by the end of the week. #2 (Acting) : This is a very important step, and should probably be memorized! If you're boss gives you an "undesirable" type of task, (such as shoveling, or pulling live rattle snakes out of the pop machine) you should "act" as if you enjoy this immensely, and chances are, you will never have to do it again. It works BOTH ways, too! If, for instance, your boss tells you to drive a truck all day, or operate a backhoe, you should act as though this must be some kind of punishment for a crime you committed as a "breast-sucking" infant! This will assure you many good hours of truck driving and equipment operating! #3 (Avoiding Eye-Contact) : You should NEVER make direct eye contact with your boss, especially if he happens to be holding "hand-tools" of any sort, else you run the risk him handing you one of them and expecting you to use it! If you do, inadvertently, make eye contact with your boss due to circumstances beyond your control, (i.e. he asked you a question and expects a reply), try to think about "football" instead of whatever message he is trying to convey through your thick skull! I firmly believe that if thinking about football can keep you "contained" for awhile longer in the bedroom with your spouse, it will probably work just as well in the workplace to keep you from "shooting off at the mouth"! Football has amazing healing powers! #4 (Slow Days) : On occasion, you may experience what we construction workers fondly refer to as a "slow day", which is usually brought on by either a thunderstorm or the fact that too many of our customers received our "statement of charges" on the same day. I've found that on these type of days, it really IS ok to lean on the fender of a truck, but you can't be stupid about it, the hood MUST be open! I've known many guys who thought they had a slow day coming and were leaning on trucks wherein the hood wasn't even open, and their day turned extremely fast in a hurry! My key is to have the hood open, and at least a screwdriver or pair of pliers in hand, poking at something in the engine compartment with a "concerned" look on your face. You should also, if using a wrench rather than a screwdriver, ensure that it is no bigger than a 9/16", cause if your leaning into the engine compartment with a 2 1/2" wrench in hand, it will immediately look "suspicious". If you don't have a "concerned look" of your own, I suggest that you watch old footage from CNN during hurricane "Katrina", and imitate George W. Bush's frown from the flyover in the helicopter!#5 (Sick Days) : Chances are, (if you're alive), someday you will be sick, and the only feasible way to prevent this is to lock yourself into an oxygen bubble and have pork rinds and red beer injected into your bloodstream by way of i.v., while watching endless episodes of South Park. Unfortunately, many of today's major companies no longer accept "sick" or even "dead" as an excuse for not coming in to work! These are organizations that you MUST avoid working for, as they tend to take everything way too seriously, many of them demanding daily attendance. #6 (Vacation Days) : A lot of the more modern companies and corporations will, (after you've been with them for a year or two), offer you a week or so vacation time, with which you can get out there and enjoy life with your family and forget about the strains of your job, and worry about the more immediate dangers in your life, such as "frostbite", because most modern construction companies will require you to take your vacation in February, during the "slow" time. #7 (Lunch Breaks) : HA-HA! Just joking! Modern employers don't allow employees to take lunch breaks, as it slows the progress of the well oiled machine that your company has become! If you want a job that still allows time out for eating lunch, then I suggest you look into a different line of work, such as a "Banker", or a "Porn-Star"! Well! I certainly hope these tips will provide you with the tools you need to be not only a productive employee, but a blissfully happy one as well! If, by chance, you happen to own your own company and you ARE the boss, then you should dis-regard this entire column, and go back to studying the blue-prints for the job you just bid on! Chances are, I'll write a column much more tailored to your specific needs in the not too distant future! Here's to hoping you all have a great day, and also to hoping that MY boss doesn't read this blog!