"Take stock! In Rany"?

If you're planning on retiring from work at some point in your life, then you probably have money "set-aside" with which to take you through your "Golden" years comfortably. If not, than you're like me, and plan on selling any still functional major organs, as well as your aluminum can collection, in order to have the money to survive on. Almost everyone that I know has some kind of an investment "portfolio", which tells them approximately how much they are "worth" in terms of real money, unlike me, as I tend to keep mine in mason jars in the basement, leaving me little doubt as to how much I've got. Investments in the "stock" market are considered to be the best way to either win or lose the money that you could have used in later life, had you not already lost it in the stock market. Now that we're clear on just how confusing this all can be, I'm free to "coach" you into some investment strategies that have helped me immensely over the past few years by learning the proper meanings of terms used on wall street, such as "fixed income", or "adjustable rate", or even "fixed adjustable long-term income high percentage rates, with growing annuity". Relax my friends, as this only means that your "stock-broker" is most likely betting your money on the same horse that you would bet on yourself, if you were a known gambler, it's when they start talking about "high-risk" stocks, where you can dump an awful lot of money into a particular stock for a short period of time and probably make huge "dividends" (if you don't go broke), that makes me nervous, as this is the same tactic that my vehicle insurers used on me many years ago, forcing me to pay huge amounts of my monthly income just to be able to drive an automobile to a place I didn't really want to go anyway, which was work. Over the years I have finally managed to perfect my "own" investment technique, which is basically to invest most of my dollars that were in the "miscellaneous" section of my personal "pie chart" into "usable materials", such as beer. I like to call this technique "liquidation", and even though it saves little money for the future, it does give you a care-free attitude in the present, and, after all, isn't that where we all live? Another method I use to ensure that I either will or will not have money to live on in the future is betting small amounts of cash on sporting events, such as football, basketball, boxing, and the race for congressional and senate seats, which are usually held in the fall, while it's cool. I call this the "chance" method, and it basically works by choosing the team, fighter, or candidate that you would really like to see win, and then betting against him, cause face it, things haven't really gone your way for a good twenty years now, and there's no apparent signs that this will change soon! All in all, I guess the best advice I can give anybody on finances would be to tell you that "You earned it, so do with it what you will"! And if you're still confused, I can set up an anonymous site where you can mail your "extra" dollars to, that way you can be assured of their safety! After all, didn't your parents teach you to save your money for a rany day? Whoops! I mean a rainy day, of course! Now here's the address to the anonymous web-site......................