"Last Will and Matrimony"?

I"ve recently been reminded by a close family member (ahem), that I haven't up-dated my "will" since getting out of the Army nearly twenty years ago, and that I really should do this, as many things have changed since then, including some "key" family members. I dread writing a will, not so much because of the thought of giving away all of my worldly possessions, (of which I have few), but more for the fact that the opening statement always makes me feel like I'm lying to myself right off the bat: I, Rany J. Delimont, being of sound mind and body......."Who are YOU trying to fool"? I tell myself. "Your mind has about the same mental capacity as a zuchinni"! "You've made more trips to the nut-house than most people make to their local grocery store"! "And sound body"? "Your back hurts, your feet are bad, you can't see, you can't hear, and you have a generally bad attitude"! "Face it, your physical condition is consistent with those found on aging Hippos"! This is only the FIRST line of the will! It only get's worse from here, what with all this talk of "bequeathing" and such. In the first place, I don't have all that many things to bequeath, and most of the things I do have aren't much good anyway, as I've always had a reputation for taking a sort of "care-free" attitude about the general maintenance of my belongings, just like my body. Outside of a few guns, some war souvenir's, and mason jars chock-full of hundred-dollar bills, about the only thing I could bequeath on anybody would be my old pick-up truck, and I can't for the life of me think of anybody who I feel has wronged me enough that I would do that to. I can't even bequeath any stock on anyone, as I own no cows or pigs. No bonds either, but there is a tube of gorilla glue in the junk drawer which promises to bond almost anything together "permanently". I suppose that someday I will write a new will, provided I can find a lawyer with a really good sense of humor. Until that day comes, I'll be at work, making money for my hobbies, such as fishing at the pond, and "canning" down in the basement, and if my wife is reading this, maybe she'll bequeath some bacon and eggs my way, with some toast, and......