Family Vacations

It's that time of year again, when a lot of hard-working folks choose to take their yearly journeys to some place fun and exciting, leaving behind the rigors of work for a couple of weeks, and most importantly, leaving behind your ignorant co-workers. When I was a kid, Dad would load up our family of five every summer into a 1969 Ford pickup truck with a camper on the back and head for Colorado, Wyoming, or the Black hills of South Dakota for a week of fun and adventure. These vacations turned out to be valuable learning tools for my sister, brother, and me, in such a way as we learned how hot and miserable it was to try to sleep five people in a camper with no air-conditioning, as well as how loud mom could snore. We always had lot's of fun, even though I often wondered why dad would only take us to places that had cliffs to fall off of and bears that could quickly eat our remains if we did. These type of vacations, (though possibly life-threatening), are much more economical than some of the more modern trends have become, such as taking the family to "Disneyland", or "Six Flags over some state that only joined the union so that other states would stop talking about them", but while the destinations and travel mode are different, the basic principle's are the same. I've taken the time to break down the family vacation into easy to understand tables for you, just as a service to help you know what to expect, should this year be your first "family vacation". 1. Your family is bonding, and excited to think of all the fun you'll have together. You say "money is no object, let's have some fun"! 2. Less than 17 miles from home, your kids are already fighting over something very serious, such as someone's leg is touching someone else's, or someone won't shut-up. 3. You pull over for gas and something to eat, and after paying, you start counting your cash already, even though money was no object. 4 After filling up on gas and food, the kids immediately resume fighting, and you threaten to turn the car around and go back home, which shut's them up for awhile, but by this time, everybody really want's to. 5. You reach your vacation destination, which looks nothing near as elaborate as it did in the brochure, but still costs more. Remember, money is no object. 6. You're actually having fun right now, probably feeding cheetos to a duck-billed platypus, though you're still concerned about finances.7. You're looking for a hotel bar, filled with other vacationers who are in the same boat you are in, and may understand you, cause your wife doesn't. 8. By this time, you are badly missing your ignorant co-workers, as well as your steady paycheck, and can't wait to get back home to both. 9. You break the news to your wife and kids that it's time to start packing up to go home soon. This must be done individually, as most of your family members haven't spoken to each other since day one. 10. You head for home in a silent car. I would be surprised if your spouse even speaks to you by now, let alone the kids. You are counting money in the back of your mind and secretly thinking of locking the kids in the trunk. Your wife needs to have a cappuccino every 17 miles, and use the "ladies room" every 9 miles. You seriously contemplate leaving her behind at a gas station. Congratulations! You've just had your first family vacation, filled with bonding, love, and the realization that your particular family cannot stand being in such close proximity to each other. Now I know why dad always took us kids to places with high cliffs and black bears.