Once again, I've taken the time to compile most of the newsworthy (or not) happenings from the entire month before and present it to you via this handy "blog" form. The actual DATES of each story are fictitious, as is (in some cases), much of the content of the story itself, but remember, I am NOT a "real" news reporter, and don't have the time necessary to do all the proper research! I am a "beer swilling" construction worker who is trying to keep YOU informed in my "free time", and for "free"! You can thank me later.
June 1: Representative Anthony "The meat" Weiner, (D-New York), is pressured by fellow congressmen to resign his "post", after a series of lewd photos "popped up" on the internet, involving his private parts. Many Weiner supporters felt that Anthony had gotten the "shaft".
June 5: In a unanimous vote, the citizens of both Missouri and Colorado raised the speed limit in Kansas to 75 mph, stating that "There's nothing to do or see there anyway". The new law went into effect on July the first.
June7: In her ongoing quest to stop the "senseless" killing of animals, Lady "Gaga" auctions off a dress made entirely of the flesh of animals, and sends the proceeds to a chicken farmer in Kentucky.
June 9: Taxpayers across the Nation breathed a collective sigh of relief upon learning that Michelle Obama, her mother, and two daughters were going to South Africa. This turned out to be a short-lived sigh though, when citizens were informed that it was merely a "vacation", rather than a "migration".
June 10: Say whatever you want! I'm still "pissed-off" about the speed limit!
June15: "Just one more thing". Actor Peter Falk (Columbo), dies at the age of 83, and if you aren't old enough to remember "Columbo", you're probably not old enough to be reading my blog.
June17: Playboy magnate Hugh "Hugh" Hefner, gets "stood-up" at the altar by a voluptuous 25 yr. old Crystal Harris, who was a recent "centerfold" model in his own magazine. Obviously shaken, the 86 yr. old multi-millionaire still managed to show the "rebel" spirit that made him world-renowned in the first place by having his secretary "bring him another girl".
June 21: After hearing the testimony of family members in the Casey Anthony murder trial, Americans everywhere are drawn much closer together with their OWN families, and often perform "toasts" to each other stating that by God they are NOT the most disgusting, dysfunctional family in the world. Many, (including me), believe it would be a more effective measure to just have the whole family shot, before they can reproduce again.
June 26: Former head of the International Monetary Fund, Dominique Strauss Kahn (socialist-France), was allowed to go free and cleared of the "rape" charges placed against him by a maid in a New York hotel after hiring former President Bill "Slick-Willy" Clinton to defend him. According to an eyewitness report, the prosecution failed repeatedly to actually "define" rape. Also, almost no money whatsoever exchanged hands.
June 29: Maria Schriver announces that she is "terminating"her marriage to her husband, former actor and Governor Arnold "I'll be BACK" Schwarzenegger, forcing a rare and "impromptu" family meeting between Arnold and his 137 children in which it was decided that Arnold will take a job as a "Kindergarten Cop" in order to pay off much of his overdue child support.
June 30: An exasperated Barrack Obama, upon realizing that he has been in office for two and a half years now and can no longer feasibly blame the rotten economy on former President Bush, has decided to just go ahead and blame the T.E.A. party Republicans in congress for his failures. In a private interview with "Sixty Minutes" correspondent "Morley Schafer", Obama defends himself with the logic that outside of some "seriously damaging" policies that he's put into place, he's spent most of his time either on vacation, playing golf, vacationing to play golf, taking a vacation from golf, or just simply golfing to relieve the stress of vacationing.
Personally, I think he's right, but as I said at the beginning of this blog, I am NOT a professional reporter! I AM extremely good at drinking beer and forming my own opinions though. Heck! If YOU try hard enough, you can probably form your OWN opinion on such matters as "government", "laws", "taxes", "wars", and whether or not the "Hot@Spicy" brand of pork rinds puts a tad too much "spice" into their recipe. I think it's very important that we all think for ourselves, rather than just accept whatever crap the mainstream media wants us to believe. We'll not always agree on everything, but we're really not supposed to. That's what makes us "free"! If, for some reason, you've grown "tired" of being "free", and wish to have your government make all of your major decisions for you, then just keep doing what you're doing and you'll get that soon enough. In the meantime, have a happy "Independence Day"! It would be great if you just sat down and thought about the word "Independence" for awhile, but most likely you won't. In any case, have a great weekend friends! Happy July 4th! May God bless, and remember that if your fuse burns out to quickly and your firecracker goes off way too soon, it's possible that you may have previously exaggerated the actual length of your particular "fuse". It's also highly possible that you're about the same age as, heck, I don't know, Me! Have a Great week Friends, and if you happen to find any extra money lying around, it's probably mine, because I just lost some in whatever State, Province, or Country you happen to be in. And probably just yesterday.
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